- Craig Ferguson: [describing his bowel movements after taking a super laxative] It was like a mattress sale: Everything must go!
- Craig Ferguson: I don't want to upset anyone and I don't wanna surprise you, but I took a lot of drugs in my life. But until this point I had never taken legal drugs; I'd always had illegal street drugs. Legal drugs are *so much better*! Like, it's not even the same game; they're fucking unbelievable!
- [pounds chest twice and holds out peace sign]
- Craig Ferguson: Respect, seniors.
- Craig Ferguson: [describing the effects of propofol after a colonoscopy] And when you're that high, like so high, they come in and show you a movie of the inside of your ass, which is the *perfect* time to see a movie of the inside of your ass! I was like, "OHHHH YEAAAH!" And because I got mine done in Hollywood it was letterbox format, score by Danny Elfman, surprise cameo by Gwyneth Paltrow!