Archer (TV Series)

Three to Tango (2015)

Christian Slater: Slater

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Slater : [V.O. on establishing location shot]  Wait. What happened? I thought you were gonna renovate this place.

  Malory Archer : As did I, but I was betrayed by a lying little country music wannabe.

  Cheryl Tunt : [shouting from outside the room]  Was that directed at me?

  Malory Archer : Yes! Who else?

  Cheryl Tunt : [shouting]  I don't know who all lies to you!

  [intercom beeps] 

  Cheryl Tunt : [sweetly over intercom]  Also, there's a Mr. Slater here to see you.

  Slater : It's just "Slater". It's a mononym, like...

  Malory Archer : Jesus Christ!

  Slater : Nope.

• Slater : [points to door with thumb]  I'm gonna go.

  Sterling Archer : [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean]  Good. Why are you here in the first place?

  Malory Archer : Mr. Slater...

  Slater : Just "Slater"! And hang on.

  [to Archer] 

  Slater : Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?

  Sterling Archer : [pouring a drink]  I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...

  Malory Archer : Sterling, Mr...

  Slater : [firmly]  *Just* "Slater".

  Malory Archer : has...

  Slater : Had...

  Malory Archer : [appeasingly]  an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for

  [makes "touchdown" gesture] 

  Malory Archer : a home run.

  Slater : [pointing to door]  I'm gonna go.

  Lana Kane : [stops him, speaking softly]  Look, you're already here.

  [runs a finger down his chest] 

  Lana Kane : Why not just tell us what the mission is?

  Slater : I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...

  Sterling Archer : What do you call him?

  Slater : I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from

  [in Latin American accent] 

  Slater : Buenos Aires.

  Sterling Archer : Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."

  Lana Kane : And-

  [aside to Archer] 

  Lana Kane : hush.

  [back to Slater] 

  Lana Kane : And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?

  Slater : Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?

  Lana Kane : I...

  Slater : As in "Beeswax", Lana.

  Lana Kane : Yes, I...

  Sterling Archer : [muffled into his hands]  Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.

  Lana Kane : Tooo help a patient who's been burned?

  Sterling Archer : [muffled]  No.

  Slater : Anyway

  [sighs] 

  Slater : his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.

• [discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina] 

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?

  Malory Archer : [simultaneously]  Sterling!

  Slater : [simultaneously]  Excuse me?

  Sterling Archer : He literally stabbed me in the back!

  Slater : Because you jeopardized his mission.

  Lana Kane : What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?

  Slater : *Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.

  Lana Kane : Oh.

  Sterling Archer : "Oh"?

  Malory Archer : I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.

  Sterling Archer : Literally! The back! Stabbed it!

  Slater : Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...

  Sterling Archer : After he literally stabbed me! In the back!

  Malory Archer : Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.

  Sterling Archer : What-?

  Malory Archer : But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.

  Slater : About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...

  Lana Kane : Hey!

  Malory Archer : Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?

  Sterling Archer : Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!

  [smashed intercom beeps] 

  Cheryl Tunt : [distorted]  And certaintly *over*using.

• Slater : [gets up]  So, uh, should I come back?

  Malory Archer : No. No, no, no, no, no, of course not.

  Slater : Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

• Slater : [laughing]  Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...

  [Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off] 

  Sterling Archer : Seriously, okay, as I was saying...

  Lana Kane : [yelling]  God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowjob!

  Sterling Archer : Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...

  Lana Kane : I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.

  Sterling Archer : When then?

  Sterling Archer : [coughs]  Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?

  Lana Kane : [sighs]  Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.