- Emily Middleton: Let's go out tonight. Hair, makeup, boobs... we're going out!
- Linda Middleton: Emily, I am not going out at night.
- Emily Middleton: Everything shouldn't be so scary.
- Ruth: Oh, it damn well should. One in four tourists are kidnapped.
- Emily Middleton: Not true.
- Ruth: One, two, three... Somebody's missing.
- Emily Middleton: Just use the map, Mom!
- Linda Middleton: [opens map] Oh, my God. This is a placemat from a restaurant!
- James: Your tit's out.
- Emily Middleton: [Joking] Your tit's out, too.
- James: No, your tit is actually emerged.
- Emily Middleton: [Notice it] I thought I felt a breeze. Will you excuse me?
- James: Oh, no. Yeah, absolutely.
- [Emily tucked her breast back into her dress]
- Emily Middleton: We really need to get to the US consulate in Bogota as soon as possible, kind of, so if you know the easiest way?
- Roger Simmons: The easy way?
- [bar patrons laugh and Roger joins; he lifts his drink and turns around to see the patrons having their own conversation]
- Linda Middleton: For 18 years your mother is the most important person to you in your entire life. And then... and then... One day poof! You're gone. And then what are you supposed to do. Like, just adjust? Just like that?
- Emily Middleton: I really need it. I just want to, like, sip a Mai Tai and, like, smoke a J. And then just kinda, like, start having red wine at night. And then Scotch. And if somebody's like, "Have you ever done ayahuasca?" I'll be like, "No, is it safe?" And then I'll try it. I don't care.
- Emily Middleton: Look. This is the thing. Where I'm going, there's gonna be a ton of...
- Emily Middleton: Inspiration.
- Michael: Pussy.
- Emily Middleton: Inspiration?
- Michael: No, pussy.
- Emily Middleton: I keep talking over you, but it's sounding like you're saying...
- Michael: Pussy.
- Emily Middleton: I heard it that time.
- Emily Middleton: You know who you have the haircut of?
- Jeffrey Middleton: Who's that?
- Emily Middleton: Harry Potter.
- Jeffrey Middleton: Harry Potter - is - the greatest of all the wizards. He's a hero - and a great role model. So, I'll take it as a compliment.
- Emily Middleton: You're so gay for Mom.
- Jeffrey Middleton: I'm not gay for Mom.
- Emily Middleton: You're gay for Mom!
- Jeffrey Middleton: She's a woman. She has a vagina.
- Emily Middleton: You suck Mom's dick.
- Linda Middleton: Ewwww!
- Emily Middleton: You always say music inspires you.
- Michael: *Pussy* inspires me.
- Emily Middleton: I have a pussy.
- Michael: You have one pussy. But there's gonna be, like, hundreds of other pussies.
- Emily Middleton: What about just my pussy, hundreds of times?
- Michael: That's not as inspiring.
- Ruth: Remember, never have more drinks than you have tits. Two tits, two drinks.
- Emily Middleton: I know how many tits I have.
- Tattooed Kidnapper: What's your PIN number?
- Emily Middleton: One.
- [pause]
- Emily Middleton: Two.
- [pause]
- Emily Middleton: Three.
- [pause]
- Emily Middleton: Four.
- Pickup Truck Driver: Okay, here's how you can help. Pull out a pen and a piece of paper.
- Jeffrey Middleton: Okay.
- Pickup Truck Driver: And write down, "If you feel the urge to call again - resist it."
- Linda Middleton: Why did I ever let you talk to me into this?
- Emily Middleton: I should have just listened to you... I love you.
- Linda Middleton: This is great, but we've really got to get out of here, you know.
- Emily Middleton: Yeah, we need to get out of here, okay.
- Emily Middleton: Yeah. And, like, why Ecuador? Well, because we didn't want to go somewhere touristy. You know, we're not just, like, a couple of white assholes. No offense.
- Lew: You know what? You're fired!
- Emily Middleton: What?
- Lew: I'm done.
- Emily Middleton: No, no, no. I - I - I need this job. Can you just think about this? Because, look at the other employees. Like, what about this bitch? I've never seen her do shit. You don't do shit here!
- Lew: She doesn't work here!
- Emily Middleton: Oh, okay. Hi. Thank you so much for coming in.
- Emily Middleton: Are things ideal, financially, right now? No. The answer is no. But will things pick up? One thousand percent.
- Emily Middleton: Look, can we just talk about this when I get back from my vacation to Ecuador?
- Lew: Vacation? You never even asked for time off.
- Emily Middleton: And I'm realizing - I'm realizing that right now.
- Jeffrey Middleton: You got shot through the heart. Okay, Michael's gone. And it sucks. Because you know what? He was the best you'll ever do.
- Linda Middleton: Here, put this on.
- Emily Middleton: What is this? What?
- Linda Middleton: That is a rape - rape whistle. That's a rape whistle.
- Emily Middleton: What? This is a dog whistle, Mom.
- Linda Middleton: Oh, well...
- Emily Middleton: Are you afraid these dogs are gonna rape me? Is that the main concern?
- Linda Middleton: Can I just see that? I didn't look at the dogs.
- Emily Middleton: Do they look like rapists to you?
- Linda Middleton: Whatever!
- Emily Middleton: It was supposed to be a king but one thing led to another, and I changed it. So, it's two queens now.
- Linda Middleton: Are you sure you changed it?
- Emily Middleton: Yeah, I called ahead.
- Front Desk Clerk: Yes, I do see that note here.
- Emily Middleton: Okay, well, can you look at that note and make that note happen?
- Front Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, I cannot.
- Emily Middleton: So I'm just gonna share a king-size bed in a romantic locale with my mother?
- Front Desk Clerk: You can sleep head-to-toe.
- Emily Middleton: Like we're 69-ing. Great.
- Emily Middleton: That was not what it looked like. I was just washing my vagina in case we hooked up.
- James: That is what it looked like.
- James: I've just spent the past few weeks in Koh Pha Ngan. And my last day there I kept thinking about that quote "Man cannot discover new oceans, unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."
- Emily Middleton: Wow, I love - that you don't care about sounding like a weirdo.
- James: I went to Egypt. I know it's kind of dangerous right now. But, I've hiked up mountains in Iran. I've run with the bulls in Spain. I've eaten poisonous blowfish in Japan. To me, *those* are the moments that make life worth living.
- Emily Middleton: I love everything you're saying. Your Instagram must be insane.
- James: Oh, well, no. I'm not really on any of those things.
- Emily Middleton: How can anybody see what you do?
- James: Well, they don't. But I get to live it.
- Jeffrey Middleton: I'm the one that's been calling about the Middleton ladies and their situation down in South America. Let's go get 'em. What's the plan?
- Morgan Russell: Right, so, I told her to contact me once she gets to Bogota. There's not much more I can do, unfortunately, sir.
- Jeffrey Middleton: Okay, I imagine that you have some kind of commando squad. Maybe, like, four underground criminals who were tried for a crime they didn't commit. And they've been living in the underground kinda helping people along the way, almost...
- Morgan Russell: Sir, were you born in the '70s?
- Jeffrey Middleton: Yeah.
- Morgan Russell: That sounds like The A-Team.
- Jeffrey Middleton: It is The A-Team. Do you have an A-Team?
- Morgan Russell: We actually disbanded that program in 1994, sir.
- Emily Middleton: I don't know any Spanish. I only know one word. What they called me at my job at the restaurant. Puta! Which I don't know what it means. "Princess" or "pretty" or...
- Morgado: It means "whore."
- Emily Middleton: That checks out.
- Linda Middleton: I have a real phobia about this.
- Emily Middleton: Of what? Being locked in a car trunk? Yeah, I think everybody's got that one, Mom.
- Jeffrey Middleton: I'll translate.
- Morgan Russell: You speak Spanish?
- Jeffrey Middleton: I speak Dothraki. I speak Klingon.
- Ruth: You should know that Barb spent her life in Special Ops. Not that bullshit regular ops. She's retired now so she doesn't have her toolkit. But she was able to improvise a few things. Which, I'm pretty sure, will all be applied to your dick hole area.