Archer (TV Series)
Lo Scandalo (2012)
Jessica Walter: Malory Archer
Quotes
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Malory Archer : Is Krieger hard at work?
Sterling Archer : He literally might be, yeah.
Lana Kane : Ew.
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Malory Archer : The classic Irish man's dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
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Malory Archer : [about Mascalzone] As we grew older, his tastes began to grow more exotic. And he began introducing these "acoutramons" very gradually.
Sterling Archer : Well, he'd have to, that thing is huge.
[Lana slaps Archer]
Sterling Archer : Ow, your hands, they're like cricket bats.
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Malory Archer : Because that's...
Lana Kane : Silvio Mascalzone, the prime minister of Italy?
Sterling Archer : Prime minister? I thought Italy used a king.
Lana Kane : What? No, they don't "use" a king!
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Malory Archer : Ugh, too salty.
Sterling Archer : Yeah, I know. You got a potato?
Malory Archer : What is this, Christmas?
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Malory Archer : Anyway, Savio was in Italian intelligence...
Sterling Archer : Rimshot.
Malory Archer : Shut up.
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Lana Kane : Screw you, Archer! Sullen wench?
Sterling Archer : Come on, Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!
Lana Kane : You had to make it look good?
Sterling Archer : And also annoy you.
Lana Kane : Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?
Sterling Archer : 8 rounds?
Lana Kane : Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.
Sterling Archer : OK, thanks, Rain Man; your point?
Lana Kane : Malory's clip was empty, but she claims she only fired three rounds.
Sterling Archer : Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of shit, because that would mean she called the cops on herself.
Lana Kane : Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.
Sterling Archer : Oh, my god! Do the math, Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.
Lana Kane : Plus the one in her arm.
Sterling Archer : [laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh, my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years, and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy shit - she killed him.
Lana Kane : And got us to dispose of the body.
Sterling Archer : But why?
Lana Kane : Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?
Malory Archer : [Flashback - Malory removes her trench coat] Honey, you still got it!
Sterling Archer : So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way, do you want to go for a slice?
[Thinks about it]
Sterling Archer : God, what is with me and Italian lately?
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Sterling Archer : And I have another question, MOTHER...
Malory Archer : [Archer is looking under Mascalzone's chair] No, Sterling, don't go back there!
Sterling Archer : [looks] Why does this chair have no seat?
[looks again]
Sterling Archer : And what... is in... his ass?
[Malory finishes her bourbon]
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Malory Archer : But wait, Krieger, the body, the bathroom, how did you...
Doctor Krieger : Shhhhhhhhhhhh... you do not want to know. Although you probably want to go wash your lips.
Malory Archer : EW!
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Sterling Archer : I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh, god... I could eat!
Malory Archer : What?
Lana Kane : What?
Sterling Archer : Well, not necessarily sphaghetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean, man, I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I could literally die.