The Final Girls (2015)
Alia Shawkat: Gertie Michaels
Photos
Quotes
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Max Cartwright : Gertie, you're a virgin.
Gertie Michaels : No. Well, not anymore. Last summer with that guy, Jerry. He had like the weird mustache and he, like, winked. Remember?
Vicki Summers : Isn't he autistic?
Gertie Michaels : Yeah. Yeah. He is. But he was also very romantic.
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Vicki Summers : Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high when I told everyone to start calling you Ba-Chunk-a-Dunk, and then I covered your locker in bacon. That was so crappy and I'm so sorry! I'm such a bad person.
Gertie Michaels : You're not, it's okay. If it makes you feel better, last summer I'm the one who spread the rumor that said you had a weird disease where you were always on your period.
Vicki Summers : Wow, that's evil!
Gertie Michaels : Thank you.
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[the kids find themselves living inside of the old slasher movie that they were watching]
Duncan : Okay. So, we're in the movie.
Max Cartwright : Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?
Gertie Michaels : Yeah, I like that question. That is a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?
Duncan : What are you talking about? It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet, they're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. WE don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because I was an unplanned child.
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Gertie Michaels : She's probably gonna pee on him just to mark her territory.
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Duncan : The Bathematicians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.
Gertie Michaels : Stepsister.
Duncan : Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.
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Gertie Michaels : You know that Chris broke up with Vicki last week, right? And she is a mess! Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem she posted on her Facebook page? It's so hilarious! I read it out loud to myself. A lot!
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Gertie Michaels : Hey, just keep on keepin' on.
Max Cartwright : What does that even mean?
Gertie Michaels : It's something my therapist tells me all the time.
Max Cartwright : You have a therapist?
Gertie Michaels : Mmm-hmm.
Max Cartwright : Does it help you deal?
Gertie Michaels : No, not really. She's a physical therapist, so...
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Gertie Michaels : Maybe we're dead and this is Heaven.
Vicki Summers : This can't be Heaven. Max is here and she's Jewish.
Gertie Michaels : Oh, right. Well, maybe it's Jewish Heaven.
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Chris Briggs : What are Bathematicians?
Duncan : Camp Bloodbath fans. It's kind of our awesome nickname.
Gertie Michaels : Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool when you give it to yourself?
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Blake : So wait, is new wave real?
Gertie Michaels : Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Blake : But I'M not real?
Gertie Michaels : You're only real in the movie. So yeah, you're real here.
Blake : Oh, cool.
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Gertie Michaels : Max, do you want to jot any of this down or...
Chris Briggs : Oh, no, it's okay, Max. I've already got a copy. You can copy from me later or I can give it to you if you... If you want. I'm gonna stop talking.