- Will Schuester: Oh, good to see you, Kurt.
- [gesturing to a leaving Blaine]
- Will Schuester: Someone special?
- Kurt Hummel: No, just a friend. But on the upside, I'm in love with him, and he's actually gay. I call that progress.
- Will Schuester: [finding Sue in his apartment] How... how did you get in here?
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, I had a key made ages ago.
- Kurt Hummel: [helping Blaine rehearse "Baby, It's Cold Outside"] I think you're ready.
- Blaine Anderson: Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's gonna be.
- Lauren Zizes: [learning Brittany still believes in Santa Claus] Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore.
- Sue Sylvester: How do you like your tree?
- Will Schuester: Uh, it's... it's... it's beautiful. Wha... what's going on? What's with all the presents?
- Sue Sylvester: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.
- Will Schuester: Really? And what made her chage her mind?
- Sue Sylvester: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now, I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special.
- [he looks at her suspiciously as she hands over a gift]
- Sue Sylvester: It's okay, it's not going to explode.
- [opening the box, he finds an electric razor]
- Sue Sylvester: [looking at his head of hair] I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.
- Shannon Beiste: [pretending to be Santa] Brittany, do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?
- Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk.
- Shannon Beiste: Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?
- Brittany S. Pierce: No.
- Shannon Beiste: Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard.
- Brittany S. Pierce: But you're magic.
- Shannon Beiste: Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a... a girl a little younger than you, and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead, Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was... was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She... she put being husky to good use.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Was her name Ricki Lake?
- Shannon Beiste: [sighs] The point is... I don't think I'm gonna be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to.
- Brittany S. Pierce: But, Santa...
- Shannon Beiste: I'm sorry, pumpkin. It... it's... it's just not gonna happen.
- Brittany S. Pierce: [she stands to leave] Aren't you going to go up the chimney?
- Shannon Beiste: On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu.
- Will Schuester: The tree really does look great.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, Santa had some helpers.
- [she blows her whistle, and the Glee kids all enter]
- Rachel Berry: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.
- Rachel Berry: Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone.
- Will Schuester: Yes, Rachel, I am.
- Rachel Berry: Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch "The Main Event".
- Will Schuester: Thanks, Rachel. I think I'm gonna pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: [entering the choir room, everyone stops in their tracks] Artie.
- Artie Abrams: [standing up, wearing a mechanical contraption] It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but... check me out.
- Quinn Fabray: [he presses a control buttton, then takes a few steps forward] Where did you get it?
- Brittany S. Pierce: We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.
- Sam Evans: How the hell did you afford that thing?
- Brittany S. Pierce: I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was Transformer.
- Artie Abrams: I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back, it was there.
- Rachel Berry: So if no one we know bought it for you, then...
- Brittany S. Pierce: Santa brought it.
- Artie Abrams: What's going on?
- Brittany S. Pierce: I think I've lost the Christmas spirit. It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you. I used to think Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible.
- Artie Abrams: Hey, look at me. I'm fine.
- Quinn Fabray: I'm gonna look terrible.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the "Rosemary's Baby" look and still look good. I'm gonna look like Jackie Chan.
- Rachel Berry: If Barbara can pull off a bob, so can I.
- Santana Lopez: Enough yapping. Let's do this.
- Will Schuester: [entering] Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?
- Mercedes Jones: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.
- Sam Evans: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.
- Will Schuester: You can't do that.
- Santana Lopez: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.
- Will Schuester: No, I mean that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.
- Rachel Berry: [Christmas tree shopping with Finn] Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.
- [she leans up to kiss him, but he stops and pushes her away]
- Finn Hudson: It's not last year anymore.
- Rachel Berry: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.
- Finn Hudson: No, I... I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't... I should have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Last year, I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.
- Artie Abrams: I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year: stop friend requesting me on Facebook.
- Will Schuester: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?
- Emma Pillsbury-Howell: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.
- Will Schuester: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.
- Shannon Beiste: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.
- Sue Sylvester: [in her office] I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.
- Emma Pillsbury-Howell: You rigged Secret Santa?
- Shannon Beiste: How? It was my idea.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
- Emma Pillsbury-Howell: You filled your tub with your name only.
- Sue Sylvester: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.
- Will Schuester: That was Kurt's idea.
- Sue Sylvester: [he moves to take it back] Ah ah ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.
- Will Schuester: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.
- Emma Pillsbury-Howell: You're not gonna get away with this.
- Sue Sylvester: I think I already have.
- Will Schuester: Hey, guys. What's this?
- Finn Hudson: Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car.
- Will Schuester: And the ornaments?
- Santana Lopez: The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.
- Will Schuester: Uh... a-and the presents?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry. They're empty.
- Will Schuester: Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like.
- Mercedes Jones: For us, is is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.
- Quinn Fabray: I'm not sitting on that guy's lap. Santas' laps are always really warm, and it's creepy.
- Artie Abrams: We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittany sees that we all still believe, it will make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world.
- Sam Evans: Which is everyone over the age of six.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa.
- Artie Abrams: Trust me, all Brittany's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him.
- Rachel Berry: [in the school auditorium with her backing band] Now, remember, it has to be lush and romantic.
- Finn Hudson: [entering] Why?
- Rachel Berry: Because I'm very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right.
- Rachel Berry: So, do you like my winter wonderland?
- Finn Hudson: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.
- Finn Hudson: I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
- Rachel Berry: Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair.
- Finn Hudson: I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness, but... I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me.
- Will Schuester: Guys, no more fighting. Have any of you ever actually read "Gift of the Magi"?
- [silence]
- Will Schuester: None of you?
- Quinn Fabray: You don't have to read "Gift of the Magi". Everybody knows what it's about.
- Will Schuester: Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about.
- Santana Lopez: Yeah, I know what it's about. Life freaking sucks.
- Will Schuester: Actually, you're right. The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together, there are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation, a reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all of the trees and presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age... you're so desperate to get that magic back, you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas.
- Finn Hudson: So what should we do?
- Will Schuester: Put your scissors down, put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit, and we are gonna sing for them.
- Will Schuester: [as they watch the kids decorate the tree] I thought you hated the holidays.
- Sue Sylvester: [Without a bite to her tone] No, i just hate you.