- Rochelle Rock: [to Judge Watkins] My son is a good kid! And my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your...
- Judge Harry Watkins: Lady, you are out of order!
- Rochelle Rock: No! You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order!
- Judge Harry Watkins: [to the baliff] Get her out of here! Get her out of here!
- Rochelle Rock: [as she's being escorted out of the courtroom] Attica! Attica!
- Ms. Morello: [to Chris] If you think white people are smart, wait until you get to class with the Asians.
- Rochelle Rock: Chris, if you do well on this, this would really mean a lot. You know what, I'm thinking about enrolling you, Drew, and Tonya into "Hansel and Gretel."
- Chris Rock: What's "Hansel and Gretel"?
- Rochelle Rock: Hansel and Gretel is a social organization made up of successful black families. You know, the upper crust of the black community.
- Narrator: We were just the crust.
- Tonya: I'm not pregnant.
- Chris Rock: I'm not on drugs.
- Drew: I'm not in a gang.
- Julius: I actually know where all my kids are.
- Rochelle Rock: See, baby. We're almost perfect.
- Narrator: We're damn near white.
- Chris Rock: When am I going to find time to do the work I need to do to stay in this school?
- Greg Wuliger: Well, make time. You have to prepare for this kind of exam. Study a few hours every night and then get eight hours of sleep the night before the test.
- Chris Rock: I haven't slept eight hours since I was born.
- Narrator: We were so broke, we had to share our sleep.
- Judge Harry Watkins: [when he sees Rochelle] God, not you.
- Chris Rock: You two know each other?
- Rochelle Rock: Yes. He's the so-called judge that threw me in jail after I beat that speeding ticket.
- Judge Harry Watkins: You were in contempt.
- Narrator: She still is.
- Judge Harry Watkins: [to Rochelle] How about we let bygones be bygones?
- Rochelle Rock: Bye. Gone.
- Narrator: That's how proper black people say, "Let's squash this."
- AP Teacher: I need you to read "The Theory of Atomic Physics", "Quantum Dynamics and Worm Holes" and Richard Feynman's "Quantum Electrodynamics: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter."
- Narrator: Which were all made into Wayans Brother movies.
- Greg Wuliger: [to Chris] I can't understand how you did so well on the test. I studied for days and still did horribly.
- Chris Rock: Greg, I cheated. I had the answers.
- Greg Wuliger: Dude, why didn't you tell me? I could have used them too.
- Chris Rock: Don't you think it'd look suspicious if you and I ended up with identical scores?
- Narrator: Plus, he would have panicked and ratted me out.
- Greg Wuliger: Yeah, plus, I would have panicked and ratted you out.
- Ms. Morello: [after finding out that Chris mouthed off to his teacher] Excuse your mama? Chris, what were you thinking?
- Chris Rock: I don't know. I guess I have to go back to Thurman's class now.
- Ms. Morello: No, I can get you back into AP class, but no more "your mama" jokes. Obviously, you need a challenge, so I'm putting you on the Academic Scholastathon Team.
- Chris Rock: Academic Scholasta-what?
- Ms. Morello: Scholastathon! It's a team competition where students match their intellects against students from other schools.
- Chris Rock: I'm not sure I'm right for this.
- Ms. Morello: Are you kidding? This will be like intellectual basketball and you're our Dr. J!
- Narrator: I just hope I don't get hung from the intellectual rim.
- Rochelle Rock: [after Chris loses his Scholastathon competition]
- [to Judge Watkins]
- Rochelle Rock: I hope this doesn't hurt our chances for getting into "Hansel and Gretel."
- Judge Harry Watkins: Oh, your chances aren't hurt.
- Rochelle Rock: Oh, thank God.
- Judge Harry Watkins: They're destroyed, decimated, obliterated, annihilated...
- Judge Harry Watkins: [when he sees Rochelle in his courtroom] What... what are you, following me around?
- Rochelle Rock: You think I want to be here?
- Judge Harry Watkins: Say the wrong thing and you'll get locked up faster than a door with Jehovah's Witnesses coming.
- Narrator: Just joking, witnesses. We love you guys!
- Chris Rock: [When Judge Watkins arrives at Chris's house] Judge Watkins?
- Rochelle Rock: Oh, look what we have here. I cannot believe you even showed your face here. We ain't in court now.
- Julius: And we don't want to go back.
- Ms. Morello: [to Julius] You know, it's really not polite to use your voodoo mind tricks on white people.
- Rochelle Rock: [to Chris] Boy, I ought to knock you into subspace.
- Chris Rock: Isn't that kind of ridiculous?
- [Scene cuts to Chris floating in space]