- Priya R. Sethi: It's just, something happened when I was gone. I jumped in the ocean. I got sick eating chocolates. I just fell in love.
- Zia: You know you're crazy, right?
- Priya R. Sethi: Hm.
- Zia: What if this guy turns out to be from a bad family and kidnaps you and makes you clean their toilets and, like, clean their dirty cats and all?
- Priya R. Sethi: Then he's in real trouble. I'm not a good cleaner.
- Priya R. Sethi: I don't have time to eat your poisoned candy.
- Granger Woodruff: It's just a little poison. Come on. Just one bite?
- [Granger attempts to address Rajeev in Hindi]
- Rajeev Sethi: Try English, boy. You're hurting my ears.
- Kit Hawksin: Look, fellas, I don't want my customers thinking what their bed was doing before they got in it.
- Charlie Hendricks: May I speak, sir?
- Kit Hawksin: Only to say thank you.
- Charlie Hendricks: Thank you.
- Kit Hawksin: You're welcome.
- Charlie Hendricks: We're gonna knock your socks off.
- Kit Hawksin: And then he ruins it by speaking again.
- Kit Hawksin: Didn't we talk about that? Didn't I ask you not to speak so much? Didn't I tell you to learn to listen? Don't you want to be a nice boy? Didn't I tell you to be more like him?
- [points to silent Japanese aide Mike]
- Kit Hawksin: Here, watch this. "You hair's on fire." "But I don't WANT a Honda." Learn from this.
- Kit Hawksin: Mumbai, that's the New York of India, right? I hear there's quite an explosion of jobs there.
- Priya R. Sethi: I like to think of New York as the Mumbia of America, both with talented human resources.
- Granger Woodruff: Are you being sassy? I mean, you've been here, what, three days, and you've already picked up sass? I mean, couldn't you just take home a magnet or a T-shirt?
- Kit Hawksin: Excuse me. Did you say you're looking for a young Indian girl?
- Manju R. Sethi: Yes! Yes-yes. Yes.
- Kit Hawksin: I think I know the girl. I should. I gave her a hotel room last night. Pretty girl. No, I'm saying, good-looking kid. Wait a minute. Is this about me paying for it? 'Cause, I'll be honest with you, I do it all the time.
- Rajeev Sethi: You are the one who has kidnapped my daughter!
- Kit Hawksin: Wait! Kidnapped? Take it easy. Buddy, she wanted it. She liked it.
- Ula: Yeah.
- Manju R. Sethi: Is she with you?
- Kit Hawksin: No, no, no. I was with her LAST night. Tonight she's probably with a guy I know. Or maybe two. He's got a partner.
- Rajeev Sethi: [finding that his son messed up the house] That's it. My children are hooligan. I've done nothing right! Just go to weeds.
- Manju R. Sethi: Oh, no, please, plaease, please, one minute.
- Rajeev Sethi: He is probably following the example of his sister to see who can humiliate the family more - he with the party or she who ran away to America with some stranger.
- Govinda R. Sethi: Definitely the one who ran away.
- Manju R. Sethi: You see, you are part of a family, and you are NOT entitled to hog all the happiness just for yourself.
- Granger Woodruff: I kind of feel like James Bond. Only, I probably don't smell as good as he does.
- Vij: I think you smell great.
- Granger Woodruff: Thanks.