Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Hall Monitors (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : Hall monitors were the closest thing we had to the police. They couldn't arrest you, but they could write you up... Oh, and if you're black, they could shoot you.

• Narrator : I've learned that when dealin' with a woman who has a problem, the last thing she wants from a man is a solution.

• Julius : [to Chris]  Do you respect me?

  Chris : Sure.

  Julius : But what if you didn't? Then what would I do?

  Chris : Break my arm.

  Julius : That wouldn't make you respect me, Chris. That would make you scared of me. When you respect people, you aren't afraid of them. When you're afraid of them, you don't respect them.

  Narrator : I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

• Chris : Hey, you, where's your hall pass?

  Greg Wuliger : Oh, hey, man, you had me worried there for a minute.

  Chris : Greg, where's your hall pass?

  Greg Wuliger : Funny, man.

  Chris : I'm not joking.

  [writes Greg a citation] 

  Greg Wuliger : You're writing me up?

  Chris : It's my job.

  Greg Wuliger : Nice work.

  Narrator : The citation doesn't seem like a big deal, but it kept Greg from getting a job with the FBI.

• Narrator : When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.

• Ms. Morello : Chris, we're friends, right?

  Chris : Yeah...

  Narrator : No.

  Ms. Morello : I'm not part of the hall monitor program, but, as a friend, I think you should slow down a bit.

  Chris : Why? You just said I was impressive.

  Ms. Morello : To me, yes, but to the rest of the students... well, they hate you.

  Chris : They've always hated me.

  Ms. Morello : True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

  Narrator : And because I'm black.

• Chris : [to Greg]  So what are you doing for lunch tomorrow?

  Greg Wuliger : Staying out of the hallways, that's what I'm doing.

  Chris : Listen, I was just doing my job.

  Greg Wuliger : I was using the bathroom. You could have used your discretion.

  Chris : Listen, I didn't want people to think that I was going to be soft on you just because you were my friend.

  Greg Wuliger : You don't have to worry about that anymore. Half the school thinks you're crazy. You're like a dog with citation rabies. We're all scared of you.

  Chris : Well, it's better than when people weren't scared of me. Even Caruso's leaving me alone.

  Greg Wuliger : I used to respect you. Even though you got picked on, made fun of and left out, at least you knew who you were.

  Narrator : Yeah, I was the kid who got picked on, made fun of and left out.

• Narrator : That day, my sister learned something I already knew. When it came to Drew, you could kiss your girlfriends good-bye.

• Rochelle : Tonya, why don't you invite some friends to come over to play?

  Tonya : Because you say you ain't want none of those raggedy kids in your house.

  Narrator : She actually said something much worse than "raggedy."

• Greg Wuliger : [to Chris]  What happened to you?

  Chris : Tried to give these guys a citation and they shoved me in the locker.

  Greg Wuliger : I'm not surprised. I mean, just look at your body language.

  Chris : What body language?

  Greg Wuliger : It screams, "Ignore me." Your shoulders are hunched over, you're staring at the ground and you sound like a girl. Let me have that.

  Chris : I don't sound like a girl. You hear like a girl.

  Narrator : And throw like a girl, run like a girl and scream like a girl.