Quotes
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'
The Simpsons
- Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-2. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles...
- [the children laugh]
- Martin Prince: "Dickety"? Highly dubious!
- Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
- [Martin looks mortified]
- Grampa: Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet.
- Edna Krabappel: "Terlet"? Ha!
- [the children laugh again]
- Grampa: Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!
- [everyone laughs, while Bart shamefully hides his head in his shirt]
- Bart: Why is he always making up those crazy stories?
- Homer Simpson: Maybe it's time we put grandpa in a home.
- Lisa Simpson: You already put him in a home.
- Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.
- Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
- Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
- Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
- Bart Simpson: Dumpster.
- Montgomery Burns: There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
- Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
- Montgomery Burns: That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
- [Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound]
- Grampa: How long was that?
- Montgomery Burns: Your clownish behavior notwithstanding, we have made a gentlemen's agreement and sworn on our lives to honor it.
- [getting into the back seat of his car]
- Montgomery Burns: Smithers, I want that man killed.
- Fernando Vidal: [impersonating Homer] D'oh! Not again!
- Montgomery Burns: [impersonating Marge] I can't take much more of your numskullery!
- Waylon Smithers: [impersonating Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.
- [a hit man breaks into the retirement home and hoses down the rec room with a machine gun. Escaping, Grampa flees to the Simpson house, where he is heard pounding on the door]
- Grampa: Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!
- Homer Simpson: Who is it?
- Marge Simpson: [looking through the peephole] It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.
- Fernando Vidal: There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess...
- [He kicks open the door to the retirement home's rec room and opens fire with an assault rifle]
- Waylon Smithers: [Smithers and Burns are in a boat, being pursued by Bart and Abe] They're gaining on us sir. We'll have to jettison something.
- Waylon Smithers: [Burns give him a hard stare] It's been a pleasure serving you, sir.
- [jumps overboard]
- Montgomery Burns: Fernando Vidal? It's M.B.
- Fernando Vidal: Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?
- Bart: You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?
- Grampa: Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. And we got stuck with him.
- [in a flashback, Abe takes aim at Adolf Hitler with a rifle]
- Grampa: Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.
- [a tennis ball hits the rifle, and the discharged round merely spins Hitler's hat around on his head]
- Montgomery Burns: [a few feet away with a tennis racket, as Abe scowls] A little help?
- Bart: If you saved Burns' life, why does he wanna kill you?
- Grampa: It was the closing days of the war. We had just flushed some Germans out of an abandoned castle...
- [fade to a flashback]
- Arnie Gumble: Hey, Burnsie found some pictures.
- Iggy Wiggum: Wait a minute. We ain't a-sposed to steal from civilians.
- Grampa: You want me to report you to Commander Flanders? Just leave them, Burnsie.
- Montgomery Burns: Leave them for whom, the Germans? The folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them. We'll all be rich, rich as Nazis.
- Etch: Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch.
- Sheldon Skinner: Yeah. I could buy chicken dinners three times a day.
- Iggy Wiggum: I could buy a brand new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard.
- Arnie Gumble: I could buy my way into high...
- [belching]
- Arnie Gumble: ...society.
- Grampa: Well, I don't feel right about it, but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of those old folks' homes.
- Waylon Smithers: I was wondering, sir, do we really need to, uh, "settle" Abe Simpson? I mean, I'm familiar with his physical state and... perhaps if we wait, nature will assassinate him for us.
- Montgomery Burns: Well, I can't risk it. I won't allow that Simpson boy to take the Hellfish bonanza, and I can't get it without his key.
- Grampa: Sorry to crowd you, boy, but I'll let you in on a secret. Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish bonanza.
- Bart: Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish?
- Grampa: Gibberish, eh?
- [showing him a tattoo on his arm]
- Grampa: Then what's this?
- Bart: Wrinkly gibberish?
- Grampa: Why, you smart...
- [pulling his skin taut so the image is clearer]
- Grampa: I got this in the second World War II. Back then, I was known as Sergeant Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest batallion in the army, and we were all from Springfield. There was police chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum.
- Iggy Wiggum: Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine.
- [his backpack explodes]
- Grampa: Our radioman, Sheldon Skinner.
- Sheldon Skinner: [with a "shoot me" sign on his back] All right, very funny. Well, I didn't join the service to make friends.
- Grampa: And watching our backs was private fifth class Arnie Gumble. Then there was also Griff, Asa, Ox, and Etch. But every unit has a troublemaker Ours was a cocky little private named Montgomery Burns.
- Montgomery Burns: [on a corpsman's stretcher] Haven't you won the war yet?
- Ox: Duh, hey, you said you was dead.
- Montgomery Burns: Yes, dead tired. But I'm quite refreshed now. Thank you.
- Lisa Simpson: Old people deserve our respect. Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn. You wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens.
- Homer Simpson: Pfft! Second-class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, MedicAlert jewelry, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.
- [in his room at the Retirement Castle, Abe goes through his mail]
- Grampa: Let's see. Ehh... eh, this junk was hardly worth getting up for. Maybe if I go back to sleep for a few days, some good mail will build up.
- Grampa Muntz: No, I'm not Superman. I'm a judge. Why, just this morning, I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh, no, 47th.
- Nelson Muntz: Wow, 47. I love you, Grampa.
- Grampa: Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.
- [taking the spoon out]
- Grampa: Look.
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, perhaps your grandfather would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt.
- Bart: Oh, please, no.
- Edna Krabappel: All right, seniors. We'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda. Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather.
- Grampa Van Houten: Uh, how many of you have a house?
- [the students shout their answers]
- Grampa Van Houten: All right. Now, how many of you drove your house to school today?
- [the kids raise their hands, then look around, confused]
- Grampa Van Houten: Well, I did. No, I'm not Superman. I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.
- Grampa: You're living in a fool's paradise, Van Houten. If you fell down in the shower, that thing would be your tomb.
- Bart: [embarrassed] Grampa, hush.
- [opening his desk]
- Bart: Here, why don't you spit some more?
- Bart: [to Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
- Montgomery Burns: Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?
- Montgomery Burns: All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?
- Ox: Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures.
- Montgomery Burns: Well put, Oxford.
- Baron von Wortzenberger: [to one of the Feds putting the stolen paintings in the trunk] Hey, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh! Idiot.