The Simpsons (TV Series)

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (1996)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Todd Flanders

Quotes 

• Bart : Why is he always making up those crazy stories?

  Homer Simpson : Maybe it's time we put grandpa in a home.

  Lisa Simpson : You already put him in a home.

  Bart : Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.

• Marge Simpson : Where are we going to put him?

  Homer Simpson : Bart's room.

  Lisa Simpson : Bart's room.

  Marge Simpson : Bart's room.

  Bart Simpson : Dumpster.

• Bart : I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.

  Grampa : Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy, the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

• Bart : You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?

  Grampa : Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. And we got stuck with him.

  [in a flashback, Abe takes aim at Adolf Hitler with a rifle] 

  Grampa : Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

  [a tennis ball hits the rifle, and the discharged round merely spins Hitler's hat around on his head] 

  Montgomery Burns : [a few feet away with a tennis racket, as Abe scowls]  A little help?

• Bart : If you saved Burns' life, why does he wanna kill you?

  Grampa : It was the closing days of the war. We had just flushed some Germans out of an abandoned castle...

  [fade to a flashback] 

  Arnie Gumble : Hey, Burnsie found some pictures.

  Iggy Wiggum : Wait a minute. We ain't a-sposed to steal from civilians.

  Grampa : You want me to report you to Commander Flanders? Just leave them, Burnsie.

  Montgomery Burns : Leave them for whom, the Germans? The folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them. We'll all be rich, rich as Nazis.

  Etch : Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch.

  Sheldon Skinner : Yeah. I could buy chicken dinners three times a day.

  Iggy Wiggum : I could buy a brand new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard.

  Arnie Gumble : I could buy my way into high...

  [belching] 

  Arnie Gumble : ...society.

  Grampa : Well, I don't feel right about it, but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of those old folks' homes.

• Bart : [at his school's Grandparents Day]  Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.

  Grampa : Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons. I ain't responsible.

• Grampa : Sorry to crowd you, boy, but I'll let you in on a secret. Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish bonanza.

  Bart : Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish?

  Grampa : Gibberish, eh?

  [showing him a tattoo on his arm] 

  Grampa : Then what's this?

  Bart : Wrinkly gibberish?

  Grampa : Why, you smart...

  [pulling his skin taut so the image is clearer] 

  Grampa : I got this in the second World War II. Back then, I was known as Sergeant Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest batallion in the army, and we were all from Springfield. There was police chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum.

  Iggy Wiggum : Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine.

  [his backpack explodes] 

  Grampa : Our radioman, Sheldon Skinner.

  Sheldon Skinner : [with a "shoot me" sign on his back]  All right, very funny. Well, I didn't join the service to make friends.

  Grampa : And watching our backs was private fifth class Arnie Gumble. Then there was also Griff, Asa, Ox, and Etch. But every unit has a troublemaker Ours was a cocky little private named Montgomery Burns.

  Montgomery Burns : [on a corpsman's stretcher]  Haven't you won the war yet?

  Ox : Duh, hey, you said you was dead.

  Montgomery Burns : Yes, dead tired. But I'm quite refreshed now. Thank you.

• Grampa Muntz : No, I'm not Superman. I'm a judge. Why, just this morning, I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh, no, 47th.

  Nelson Muntz : Wow, 47. I love you, Grampa.

  Grampa : Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.

  [taking the spoon out] 

  Grampa : Look.

  Edna Krabappel : Bart, perhaps your grandfather would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt.

  Bart : Oh, please, no.

• Edna Krabappel : All right, seniors. We'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda. Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather.

  Grampa Van Houten : Uh, how many of you have a house?

  [the students shout their answers] 

  Grampa Van Houten : All right. Now, how many of you drove your house to school today?

  [the kids raise their hands, then look around, confused] 

  Grampa Van Houten : Well, I did. No, I'm not Superman. I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.

  Grampa : You're living in a fool's paradise, Van Houten. If you fell down in the shower, that thing would be your tomb.

  Bart : [embarrassed]  Grampa, hush.

  [opening his desk] 

  Bart : Here, why don't you spit some more?

• Bart : [to Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings]  Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.