- Sheriff: [on the phone] No, ma'am, I don't have the number.
- Tom Servo: Take your time, movie.
- Sheriff: All I can tell you is, use the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking!
- [laughs]
- Crow T. Robot: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.
- Dan Kester: You're so dumb you wouldn't know rabbit turds from Rice Krispies.
- Tom Servo: Snap, crackle, poop.
- Tom Servo: Mike, if I slip into a coma while watching this movie, please, PLEASE, do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
- Mike Nelson: Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?
- Gypsy: I put them in a safe place.
- Mike Nelson: Okay, and where's that?
- Gypsy: A place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.
- Tom Servo: So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?
- Sheriff: That's funny, I wonder why she hung up on me?
- Mike Nelson: Maybe your bodily funk travels over the phone lines...
- Mike Nelson: You know, they're poor only in money... and spirit... and dignity... and moral fiber... and hygiene
- Dan Kester: A man can't get any peace in his own house...
- Mike Nelson: Well Section 8 owns the house...
- Dan Kester: Let me eat my breakfast in peace. I gotta keep up my strength.
- Mike Nelson: [Southern Accent] Tearin' food stamps is hard!
- Mike Nelson: Bobo, Is that you? I mean, really you?
- Bobo: No, it's John Schuck on a bad hair day. Of course it's me, and I'm fine but these two, hoo-hoo-hoo, they really love their zucchinis. In fact they're packin' 'em up so they can deliver zucchinis to their friends all over the galaxy.
- Mike Nelson: Now, now, now listen very carefully, Bobo. These pods grow aliens who replace your body. If they're loading them into the truck that means the whole galaxy could be in danger.
- Bobo: Oh come now, ha. Just because they load a bunch of zucchini throw pillows onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying to take over the galaxy. Haha. Proposterous, typical of you with your back and your Braun hand blenders. Haha. Oh look, I'll just ask her. Oh say, Lawgiver, now are those evil pods? And are you trying to take over the galaxy?
- Pearl Forrester: Yes, and yes. Excuse me, please.
- Bobo: Well, I guess I can see how you could misconstrue that, Nelson, but I'm still not convinced.
- Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
- Mike Nelson: Well, again we're doomed.
- Tom Servo: Ah, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two a.m. beer buzz - you homesick yet, Mike?
- Tom Servo: I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard and the rusted chassis of our 68 Impala...
- Ev Kester: Sometimes the only way I know you're still alive is when I hear you flush the toilet.
- Tom Servo: Yeah, like they *have* a toilet.
- [watching Dan Kester]
- Mike Nelson: Johnny Crappleseed.
- Crow: Paul Infected Bunyan.
- Tom Servo: Old McDonald had a cyst.
- [watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]
- Mike Nelson: Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.
- Tom Servo: Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.
- Crow: "It Came from Planet Gross-Out."
- Mike Nelson: [as Dan Kester chases Teri out of the room in his filthy long johns] And the movie just ramps up the repulsion.
- Crow: This movie hates us doesn't it?
- [first lines]
- Mike Nelson: Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here. Welcome to the Satellite...
- Tom Servo: [dressed as a cheerleader] Are you ready for some spee-rit!
- [last lines]
- Pearl Forrester: You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.
- Mike and the 'Bots: [over the end credits] Movie sign! Again!
- Ev Kester: You know it's too bad that there's this li'l age difference between us.
- Tom Servo: She's drinking fermented Yoo-Hoo.
- Ev Kester: If you were five years older, I'd jump ya.
- Mike Nelson: Well, I've got cables in the car, Ma'am.