The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (TV Series)

Sylvester Stallone/A. Whitney Brown/Horacio Gutiérrez (1985)

Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : Before my first guest comes out, I have a little business I have to do. I was supposed to do this this afternoon.

  Ed McMahon : Well you've been so busy lately.

  Johnny Carson : What?

  Ed McMahon : You've been so busy lately, doing...

  Johnny Carson : That's right.

  Ed McMahon : ...All kinds of meetings.

  Johnny Carson : Busy, busy, busy. And, well, you get this, too.

  Ed McMahon : Sure.

  Johnny Carson : If you, uh, happen to be a, I hate that word "celebrity", don't you? If you're well-known, you get requests from a lot of organizations to do what they call public service announcements...

  Ed McMahon : [interrupting]  And it's nice that you do these, because a lot of people don't do them. A lot of big stars, when it comes to this, they say, "P.S., uh, uh, not ME. No." But YOU...

  Johnny Carson : And they say it a lot clearer than that, too.

  Ed McMahon : Sure they do. That's why they don't make them. But you come right in and do it. You don't get paid for this, you receive no money for this.

  Johnny Carson : Was I, was I having trouble setting this up, or what? Anyway, you've seen them. They're from the USO, we all have done them...

  Ed McMahon : [interrupting]  Boy Scouts.

  Johnny Carson : What?

  Ed McMahon : Boy Scouts of America.

  Johnny Carson : Yes, things like that. Those are called...

  Ed McMahon : [interrupting]  Campfire Girls.

  Johnny Carson : ...That's right. Public servant- you must really been bankin' it away from "Star Search".

  [Ed laughs] 

  Johnny Carson : You must have foreign distribution for everything.

• Johnny Carson : [doing public service announcements]  Hi, this is Johnny Carson with a word about forgotten minorities out there, shy Scotsmen. As you know, when men from Scotland wear their distinctive national garment, they have nothing on underneath. Now, this doesn't bother most of them at all, but for a timid few, it's a living hell. Especially if they make their livings as tightrope walkers or skylight installers. These men need support and psychological counseling. Send your contribution today to "Kilt Without Guilt", Glasgow, Scotland. Yes, friends...

  [audience cheers] 

  Johnny Carson : thank you. And, and let them know there's nothing bad under the plaid.

• Johnny Carson : [doing public service announcements]  Hi, this is Johnny Carson, asking all you high school kids out there: Do you have a summer job lined up? Well, instead of mowing lawns and busing dishes for peanuts, how'd you like to pocket a fast $75 grand? How? Hey, it's easy, just dye your sideburns gray, and go to the United Airlines gate at your local airport. As long as you have a driver's license or even a learner's permit, they'll put you to work immediately as a pilot. Why spend your summer cruising Main Street when you can be cruising at 35,000 feet and scaring the hell out of 300 passengers? Come on kids, help United "Fly the Scary Skies"!