The Simpsons (TV Series)

Bart the Fink (1996)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Selma Bouvier, Patty Bouvier

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.

  Homer Simpson : [Homer muttering to himself]  Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?

  Marge Simpson : $700.

• Bart Simpson : [notices a food stall sign reading "100 tacos for $100"]  Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.

  Marge Simpson : [grabs him]  No!

  [Comic Book Guy exits the store, rolling a wheelbarrow filled with tacos] 

  Comic Book Guy : Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

• Marge Simpson : What are you gonna spend your money on, kids?

  Bart Simpson : There's a special on tacos down at the Tacomat: hundred tacos for a hundred dollars. I'm gonna get that.

  Lisa Simpson : I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

  Marge Simpson : Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that. You're both coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

• Bart Simpson : Mom, I just saw Krusty!

  Marge Simpson : Yes, dear, in your mind.

  Bart Simpson : No, on the street.

  Marge Simpson : On the street in your mind.

  Bart Simpson : Why won't you believe me?

  Marge Simpson : Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly, you think you see him everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

• Auctioneer : And now, lot number 2,380, Krusty's private plane, the I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay.

  Krusty the Clown : But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night, he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

  Patty Bouvier : Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.

  Selma Bouvier : Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.

• Marge Simpson : You'll feel better knowing your money's in the hands of professionals.

  Clerk in Ape Mask : Ook, ook. Are you folks ready to go ape?

  Lisa Simpson : Mom?

  Marge Simpson : A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.

• Krusty the Clown : They took my money. They wrecked my show. They buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot, but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.

  [entering, he sees an auction going on] 

  Auctioneer : And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of Krustiana. What am I bid?

  Selma Bouvier : 40 cents.

  Auctioneer : [after rapid auctioneer babble]  Sold for 40 cents!

  Krusty the Clown : 40 cents? Ach! My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.

• Executor : May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your great-aunt Hortense. As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.

  Homer Simpson : [crying]  Poor Aunt Hortense! Whoo-hoo.

  [crying a little harder] 

  Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo.

  Executor : The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.

  Marge Simpson : Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual?

  Executor : No. It's a standard clause.

  Homer Simpson : Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.

  [cut to them arriving at the house] 

  Homer Simpson : Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.

• Homer Simpson : [after spending the night in a haunted house]  Best night's sleep I ever had.

  Lisa Simpson : Their tap water tasted better than ours.

  Executor : Here you go. $100 each. The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.

  Homer Simpson , Marge Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : Hmm?

  Executor : Oh, I'm sorry. I must have continued talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes.

  [laughing diabolically, he turns to leave] 

  Executor : Oh, my.