- Bill Clinton: There you go. First time I tell the truth during my six years in office, it... it screws everything up! You know, in my gut, I knew I should have kept lying. But my advisors told me to disregard my deepest personal convictions, and tell the truth. Frankly, the idea of telling the truth repulsed me.
- Santa Claus: See if you can wrap your mind around this: I deliver toys all over the world. You know how many little Japanese boys there are? Tons! And you know the thing about little Japanese boys? They're all good!