- Jack Handy: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- Weekend Update Anchor: The National Assessment of Educational Progress report released Thursday reveals that the number of American students who are proficient in mathematics is only one out of four... well, that's at least half.
- Jason Alexander: The little playlet you just saw was about how easy it is to get angry with someone over a simple misunderstanding. This is true in real life as well. Soon, the Rodney King jury will release their verdict. And although, on the surface, I may look like the police men who beat up Mr. King, or like the members of one of the juries who tried them, I'm not. So please... don't hurt me or set my house on fire. Thank you.