Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates the Pilot (2005)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Joey Caruso : This isn't over, nigger.

  Narrator : Oh, he got away with calling me nigger that day, but later in life, he said it at a DMX concert and almost got stomped to death.

• Old Principal : [In flashback]  I didn't touch her! I don't know what you're talking about!

  Narrator : [Narrating]  Mr Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court, and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.

• Narrator : When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the projects. She always said project is just another word for experiment. In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

• Narrator : My parents taught me love is never having to say "kiss my ass."

• Narrator : Keisha was the girl next door. At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex, but I knew she had something to do with it.

• Narrator : You may not think messing up a pair of $40 shoes is such a big deal, but you have to realize my father's car only cost $65!

• Narrator : Greg wasn't my first choice for a friend, but mutual ass-kicking seem to bring people together.

• Tonya : [as Chris is getting home from school after his fight with Caruso]  Dad! Dad! Dad!

  Narrator : That girl is trying to get me killed.

  Tonya : Dad! Da...

  [Chris covers her mouth] 

  Chris : Girl, you want Daddy to go to jail?

  Drew : I told her to quit.

  Tonya : I have to go to the bathroom!

  Chris : I told you to go at school.

  Tonya : That bathroom is nasty!

• Narrator : My dad went to school during the Civil Rights era. After hoses, tanks and dog bites on your ass, somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.

• Narrator : My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." He was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning" meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."