- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Reports of her death have been greatly exaggerated.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [Smiling in recognition] Mark Twain.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah.
- [pause]
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: But it's in public domain now.
- Thomas Vitella: I'm innocent I tell you. I didn't do nothing
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, put a lid on it Vitella
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Thomas Vitella. Try to rob St Mark's Cathedral
- Capt. Barney Miller: I wa just there to light a candle for my mother
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I caught him ripping open one of the poor boxes
- Thomas Vitella: I dropped my matches in by mistake
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just a victim of circumstances, huh ?
- Thomas Vitella: Yeah, right ? What about dragging me out of that church ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Come on ?
- Thomas Vitella: I asked for sanctuary ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sanctuary ? No way, if we give it to you, we have to give it to everybody.
- Thomas Vitella: Huh?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sit down over there.
- Det. Ron Harris: I'll check him for priors
- Thomas Vitella: I almost got my neck broke, too ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: How'd that happen ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wasn't me Barn, it was the priest that grabbed him and caught him till we got there.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good for him ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, the guy is 68 years old. This is his statement.
- Thomas Vitella: The old ones, they really can be brutal. I mean, they got a lot of pent-up strength on account of being celibate so long.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hey Fish.
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I am having trouble taking this off. Can you give me a hand ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, how come somebody didn't tell me my broker called ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I did, it's right there .
- Det. Ron Harris: Thanks
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey Harris... Are you in the stock market ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Heavily. Did the broker said anything?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah, he said something about the bottom dropping out or...?
- Det. Ron Harris: What? What do you mean the bottom dropped out ? I want to know exactly what he said ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Take it... Take it... Take it easy, I was only kidding
- Det. Ron Harris: Don't ever joke with a man about his portfolio.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'm sorry
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah Harris? Harris, listen, do me a favor will you ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Man... I buy at the wrong time . I sell at the wrong time.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that .
- Det. Ron Harris: You know, I could have bought Xerox at $13
- Capt. Barney Miller: Really ?
- Det. Ron Harris: But I said, "Who's gonna spend all that money on a machine when they got carbon paper ?"
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Weiskoff, I understand you don't need a lawyer ?
- Lawrence Weiskoff: Why ? I'm as guilty as if I killed her myself
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do you mean "as if" ? I thought you did.
- Lawrence Weiskoff: Maybe I should explain this
- Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you should
- Lawrence Weiskoff: You see, Gwen and I had made a suicide pact between the two of us. We just decided that our lives had become empty and meaningless so why keep going ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Keep going... for my benefit.
- Lawrence Weiskoff: Well, we couldn't bring ourselves to do it together. So we decided that she would be at her apartment and I would be at mine and then at exactly high noon, she would jump out of her window. And I... I would take a revolver and put a bullet in my head
- Capt. Barney Miller: Very poetic.
- Lawrence Weiskoff: Thank you
- Capt. Barney Miller: And also very stupid
- Lawrence Weiskoff: Anyway... anyway at the last minute, I... I lost my nerve, I chickened out, I couldn't do it. I tried to call her and stop her, but..uh... but It was too late. Oh God, when I think what I've done, I could kill myself. Almost !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, might as well take hs statement
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's your address ?
- Thomas Vitella: 146 West 23rd Street
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's right around the corner from me
- Thomas Vitella: Yeah, well, it's a nice neighborhood
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It used to be
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That has to simmer for a while
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It's the rules. You want some when its ready.
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, no, no, thank you. The culture shock might kill me