- Ben: We want to do a haunted swap tour.
- Rev. Zombie: I don't do night tours anymore; I'm not allowed to. Insurance got too high after what happened.
- Marcus: Too bad. Let's go.
- Ben: Wait, wait, what happened?
- Rev. Zombie: Oh, you don't want to know.
- Ben: [eagerly] I so want to know.
- Rev. Zombie: I had a tour group, out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the mist of night, and there was this kid...
- [to Marcus]
- Rev. Zombie: who looked kind of like you...
- [resuming the story]
- Rev. Zombie: he was spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods. It chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...
- Ben: He fell in?
- Marcus: A gator got him?
- Ben: What happened?
- Rev. Zombie: He slipped, hit his head on the roof... and sued me for negligence! That cocksucker!
- Ben: [disappointed] That's it?
- Marcus: [after finding Shapiro's stuff and finding out he's a fraud] Anyone else have any more secrets? 'Cause if I find out someone else is lying, I swear I'll kill you myself!
- [starts shining the flashlight at everyone; eventually spots Jenna crying]
- Jenna: I didn't really go to NYU. It was my first choice, but I didn't get in. So, I went to Hofstra.
- Shawn: But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?
- Jenna: I was moving to Hollywood next month to be famous, now I'm going to die out here with all of you assholes!
- Misty: [unfamiliar with New Orleans, dialing cell phone] Are you sure the number is 9-1-1? If it's the South, maybe you have to type in a different area code.
- Misty: [on finding out that the so-called producer, who was making her pose topless, was really a phony] Slimeball! I can't believe I've fallen for their phony stories 3 times now.
- Ben: Come on, this is gonna be fun.
- Marcus: About as fun as crabs.
- Ben: You would know.
- Marcus: Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.
- Ben: You did.
- Marcus: I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!
- Ben: She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.
- Marcus: She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.
- Ben: Fabric softener!
- Marcus: Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?
- Ben: ...I have sex all the time...
- Marcus: -shut up.
- Ben: This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
- Shawn: Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives... and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died.
- Jenna: [sarcastically, to Misty] What a genius! You do know the vibrator goes in your cooch and not your ear, right?
- Jenna: I can't believe I am out here in a swamp. I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to go through this before she got Mystic Pizza.
- Shawn: [Telling a story about Victor Crowley at the fake house] Victor Crowley, hatchet face! Legend is that, uh, he was a deformed man whose own father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. All by account that he was so ugly or...
- [looks at card]
- Shawn: something... anyway, he died. As so, the story goes that if you're ever near the old Crowley house late at night, you can still hear ol' Victor Crowley crying for his daddy...
- [lowering his voice]
- Shawn: daaaaaaaaddyyy...
- [gasp]
- Shawn: Y'all hear that?
- [Gulps and lowers his voice again]
- Shawn: Daaaaaaaaaaddyyy...
- [gasp]
- Shawn: I heard it again!
- Marybeth: That ain't the story.
- Shawn: Well, that's the gist of it, anyway.
- Marybeth: That's not even the house.
- Shawn: Christ! Will you just let me do my job?
- [shouts angrily in Chinese; stops, seeing he just went out of character and goes back to his Southern voice]
- Shawn: Y'all try the crawfish yet?
- Ben: I'm Ben.
- Marybeth: [blandly] Mary Beth.
- Ben: Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.
- Marcus: [looks at him puzzled]
- Ben: So do you have any pets?
- Marcus: [smacks him on the back of the head]
- Ben: [to Marybeth] Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?
- Jim Permatteo: Nice camera, you making a movie?
- Shapiro: Yeah.
- Jim Permatteo: [to Shannon] Well, what do you know, lovekins? We've got ourselves a director over here!
- Shannon Permatteo: How exciting! What kind of movie is it?
- Shapiro: Well, have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?
- Jim Permatteo: [enthusiastically] Sure!
- Shannon Permatteo: [confused] No.
- Jim Permatteo: [realizing his wife is sitting right next to him] No.
- Ben: [when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet] Samuel M. Barrett; Whitman Diagnostics, Senior Marketing Manager... Doug Shapiro; Producer, Director.
- Jenna: That asshole! I flew all the way down here from New York and he... AH!
- Misty: So he didn't really work for Bayou Beavers?
- Ben: I'm thinking no.
- Marcus: Dude must pretend he's a producer to get his own collection.
- [to himself]
- Marcus: Good idea.
- Misty: That pervert! Why are all men such slime? I can't believe I've fallen for this shit 3 times now!
- Shawn: Off to the left, you'll see something you don't see everyday, but I do, heh heh... real live Cypress trees! Now hey, what did the Spanish boy say to the Cypress? 'Mind if I HANG around?' Ho hoo, sometimes, I'll tell that joke in Español.
- Jim Permatteo: Hey, isn't the Cypress a Louisiana state tree?
- Shawn: I bet it sure is.
- Jim Permatteo: Yes, it was 1963, the Fall Cypress
- Shawn: Ho now, only room for one guide on this boat now.