Over the Hedge (2006)
Bruce Willis: RJ
Photos
Quotes
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Ozzie : But this house is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
RJ : The collar is the key.
[Shows video on cell phone of Tiger entering door]
RJ : Literally, the collar is like a key that opens the door, and if...
Stella : And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
RJ : Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
Verne : Her?
Stella : Me?
RJ : You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
Stella : My stink.
RJ : ...your feminine charms.
Hammy the Squirrel : Ha ha ha! - Was that out loud?
-
Vincent : Wow.
RJ : Vincent!
Vincent : So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen.
[Chuckles]
Vincent : Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, your gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.
RJ : But I already had that.
Vincent : What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
RJ : Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!
[Takes the wagon with all the food]
Vincent : RJ!
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RJ : Something you said yesterday really touched me right here. It starts with an F, remember what that was?
Verne : Family?
RJ : Yeah yeah right that. You see Verne I use to have had all that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But all that went away with... the weed hacker incident.
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Gladys : [after installing a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?
Dwayne : That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state,
[with his hand over his heart]
Dwayne : except Texas.
Gladys : I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.
Dwayne : I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you.
[as he tosses a stuffed bear in it]
Dwayne : Adios, animal infenstation.
RJ : [it traps it] AHHHHH!
Gladys : [we see it in a cage, with outside burned off] Ohhh, very nice.
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Verne : [after getting chased away] See what I mean? That's what I was talking about. These humans don't want us *around*.
RJ : So we scared her and she over-reacted, no biggy.
Verne : No biggy? No that's what we call a biggy.
RJ : C'mon, think about the food, it was worth it for that food, that stuff is to die for.
[Ozzy faints and Heather rolls her eyes]
RJ : Let me rephrase that.
Verne : No, to die for, you nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life seems primative to a guy with a bag.
RJ : What!
Verne : But I think I speak for all of us when I say that we want *nothing* to do with *anything* that's *over that hedge*.
[they begin to walk away]
RJ : Oh come on. You haven't even tried doughnuts yet. You wanna store some fat, that is the way to store some fat, you'll be sweating through the winter.
[they don't listen]
RJ : Okay, okay you guys sleep on it. Good idea, I'm gonna check back with you.
[to himself]
RJ : Shoot! Almost had them.
-
RJ : Vincent, wait! I can get it all back! That's right. If you eat me, you'd have to do it. But I can get it, all of it.
Vincent : My red wagon?
RJ : Redder!
Vincent : The blue cooler?
RJ : Blue cooler. On my list! Gotta be blue?
Vincent : Yes! And I want my Spuddies. I love those things. 'Cause with a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough.
RJ : So true. Painfully true. And I'll tell you what. I'm gonna get you the giant picnic pack, family-fun size.
Vincent : They have that?
RJ : I'm pretty sure.
Vincent : All right, R.J. I'm going back to sleep. When that moon is full, I'm waking up, and all my stuff had better be right back where it was.
RJ : But that's just one week! That's impossible for one guy!
[Vincent squeezes on RJ's head]
RJ : A week's perfect. I'll get some helpers.
Vincent : Full moon, all my stuff. And don't even think about running away, because if you do, I will hunt you down and kill you.
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Hammy the Squirrel : What is that?
RJ : That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG; a.k.a., the chip, nacho cheese flavor.
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Tiger : Shoo, go on, get away from here. My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
Stella : Common strays? Alright, you asked for it...
[turns and raises rear]
RJ : [whispers] Get the collar!
Stella : Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
Tiger : No-no-no-no-no! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods.
[sneezes]
Tiger : Away with your filth!
Stella : My filth? My *filth*?
Penny : Oh jeepers here we go.
Stella : Okay, that's it. I'm sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away 'cause they think I'm filthy. Well I got news for you: I didn't get primped and preened to have some overfed, pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I've got makeup on my *butt*, dude! And you don't even want to know about the cork!
Tiger : Stop! No one has *ever* spoken to me like that!
[others gasp]
Tiger : It is bold... I like it.
Stella : Yeah? Well, there's more where that came from, uh... puffball!
[Leads him away from the door]
Tiger : You're strong. Your essence is overpowering.
Stella : [pushes tail down] Wh-what do you mean by that?
Tiger : It is your eyes.
Stella : My eyes?
Tiger : They are... luminous.
Stella : Luminous... Dang.
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RJ : [showing the other animals around the houses] They *always* got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about!
RJ : [as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'.
RJ : [signifies telephone] *That* is a device to summon food.
RJ : [signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food.
RJ : [signifies front door] *That* is the portal for the passing of food.
RJ : [signifies delivery truck] *That* is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food!
RJ : [signifies grill] *That* gets the food hot!
RJ : [signifies cooler] *That* keeps the food cold!
RJ : [signifies turtle pinata] *That*... I'm not sure what that is.
RJ : [kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD!
RJ : [signifies table where family prays before dinner] *That* is the altar where they WORSHIP food!
RJ : [signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food!
RJ : [signifies treadmill] *That* gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough?
RJ : [everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us!
RJ : [opens the thrash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!
-
RJ : Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.
[Points at map]
RJ : Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.
[All gasp]
RJ : No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?
Hammy the Squirrel : Aha! We fill the log!
Verne : Hammy.
RJ : Really? This log? This cave-like log?
Ozzie : All the way to the top.
Verne : Ozzie.
RJ : Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log?
Heather : Two-hundred and seventy-four days.
RJ : Ooh! Ever done it in a week?
Verne : That's impossible.
RJ : Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food.
Heather : How much food?
RJ : Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!
Verne : Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating.
Lou : I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.
Penny : Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.
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RJ : Now if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it!
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Hammy the Squirrel : Wanna help me find my nuts?
RJ : Very tempting, Hammy, very tempting...
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RJ : [Lays down some Monopoly play pieces to signify what they will do] Okay, this is us.
Hammy the Squirrel : Can I be the car?
Bucky : I wanna be the car!
Spike : I'm the car. You be the shoe.
Bucky : The shoe is lame.
Lou : Why don't you be that snazzy-looking iron there?
RJ : Hey! It's not important. Besides, I'm the car. I'm *always* the car.
-
Vincent : RJ? The moon's not full yet...
[notices RJ has his food]
Vincent : RJ. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to come up here and steal my stuff. RJ? I'm gonna have to kill you.
[Advances on RJ]
RJ : WAIT! The food is still in the cave, so technically, not stolen!
[accidentally bumps into the wagon, sending it down the hill]
RJ : Oh no, no, no, no! STOP!
[the wagon stops, RJ and Vincent chuckle nervously at each other until a truck destroys the wagon and food]
-
RJ : And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener-Neeners, and Smackeroons. And guess what? They're all yours!
[Hammy jumps, but RJ stops him]
RJ : Whoa, Hamilton. Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you just can't take them.
Hammy the Squirrel : But you just said they're mine.
RJ : They will be, if we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan. You with me, kid?
Hammy the Squirrel : I... I... I...
RJ : The ayes have it. Let's ride.
-
RJ : Now listen, champ. Okay, what we're goin' for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel. Can you handle that?
Hammy the Squirrel : Umm, excuse me!
[Raises hand]
RJ : Yes, Hammy?
Hammy the Squirrel : Rabbits aren't vicious. They're all cute and cuddly, so...
RJ : *Rabid*, not rabbit.
Hammy the Squirrel : Oh! Huh?
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RJ : No, Hammy, not the cookie. I told you that cookie was junk!
Hammy the Squirrel : But I like the cookie.
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RJ : Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Here, here, here, here, big one here, here, and maybe a few over here.
Stella : Gee, it's that all?
RJ : No. There's bunch of red lights all over here. You OK, Verne? Look a little green.
Verne : I blacked out for a second there, but... I get the idea: there's lights, traps and I might need to change my shell.
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RJ : Do you like the cookie?
Hammy the Squirrel : I like the cookie!
RJ : [Throws cookie away] Well this cookie's yuck!
Hammy the Squirrel : But I thought I liked the cookie...
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RJ : [Verne is about to eat a diaper] That's a diaper, and that *does* come out of a wazoo.
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RJ : We eat to live. These guys live to eat!
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RJ : [to Verne] *You*, my friend, are a natural. Or should I say au naturel?
[Verne realizes he is naked and his shell is on the curb]
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RJ : You want this cookie?
Hammy the Squirrel : Oh, yeah, yeah!
RJ : This cookie's JUNK!
Hammy the Squirrel : But I like the cookie...
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RJ : [after Verne falls off his shell again] What is the point of this thing?
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Hammy the Squirrel : [points angrily to his reflection in a car fender] *This* guy's not comin' with us, is he? 'Cause I don't want him to!
RJ : [exasperated] Oh, I have so much work to do.
-
Hammy the Squirrel : [Slipping on kitchen floor] No grip! No grip! No grip!...
RJ : Hammy, less claw, more pad.
Hammy the Squirrel : Oh, okay.
[Hammy zips across the room, crashes into wall]
Hammy the Squirrel : That hurt.
-
RJ : [after making him look like a rabid squirrel] Now show me that vicious look in your eye, boy. Come on!
Hammy the Squirrel : Oh, oh, I can burp my ABC's
[burping]
Hammy the Squirrel : A, B, C...
RJ : HAMMY! I just really need you to focus right now, okay?
Hammy the Squirrel : Okay.