- Jordy Warsaw: [pointing his gun at Emil] You want to be a real American? You want to be a tough guy? Here's Eddie's gun. Shoot me! Shoot me!
- Emil Slovak: [laughs] You can't kill me. You're not a cop. You're just a fireman with a gun.
- Emil Slovak: [Slovak is washing his wound in the sink while Razgul films, then he cuts the lights] What are you doing?
- Oleg Razgul: I'm cutting the lights to make it more dramatic, just like the movie "Silence of the Sheeps".
- Emil Slovak: Shut up!
- [about Daphne]
- Eddie Flemming: So, you want to talk to her alone?
- Jordy Warsaw: Yeah.
- Eddie Flemming: All right. But, you bring her in to the station right away and don't let her out of your sight. She's the only moving body we got left.
- Jordy Warsaw: Of course. Don't worry about it, I'm a professional.
- Eddie Flemming: Yeah, well girls like that got a knack for turning professionals into amateurs.
- Eddie Flemming: [trying to propose to Nicolette Karas] Speaking of shoes. You know what I was thinking I'm... You know I, I would like to have a...
- [long pause]
- Eddie Flemming: some shoes next to my shoes.
- Immigration Supervisor: Are you related?
- Oleg Razgul: Yes.
- Immigration Supervisor: How?
- Oleg Razgul: I'm his friend.
- Roseanne Barr: So, before you sleptwith her with your own son's wife, did you take even a second to think about the consequences?
- Talk Show Father: I take full responsibility for sleeping with her. I had very low self- esteem.I had to compete with somebody. It happened to be my son
- Eddie Flemming: That's another lesson. You got nothing to say don't waste their time or yours. Let somebody else do that.
- Jordy Warsaw: Now that you know Eddie maybe he'll put you in the next movie about him.
- Bobby Korfin: You think so?
- Jordy Warsaw: You can play his wife.
- Emil Slovak: You Americans are pussies without your missiles and money. You won't kill me. You don't have the balls.
- Eddie Flemming: [to Jordy] You remind me of a dog I used to have. Pissed all over the carpet. Kept him anyway.