- Haru: I may not be a great ninja; I may not be one with the universe; but I will say this: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY BROTHER.
- Haru: Okey dokey, lets see what we got baking in the oven. Yeah, ya, ya, ya, ya. Not yet a match. Ok well, it looks like we are about one degree Celsius off on that ah magenta color. I guess I am gonna have to quantify the 7F reading on this and that would run it through the surface gravity viscosity. Ah, I could plug it into the Marshall formula, and that would ah, that would give me a more accurate mix design. To me they're just a little bit off, what I can do on that is run a pap smear, ah test and than ah, tone it down a little bit.
- Haru: You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk!
- Martin Tanley: Ninja? You're a ninja? You're the big fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?
- Haru: Great White Ninja.
- Haru: Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.
- Haru: I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.
- Billy: Why not?
- Haru: Because I would then have to kill you.
- Billy: DADDY!
- [runs to his dad, frightened]
- Billy: Daddy, he said he's gonna kill me!
- Billy's Dad: [to Haru] What'd you say to my kid?
- Haru: I was merely relaying to him...
- [Billy's Dad punches him in the face]
- Desk Manager: 73 minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag. Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?
- Joey: Yes sir, I seem to be developing tunnel carpel syndrome in my wrist. I believe it's from carrying really heavy garment bags around. Now, I don't want to go on disability, and sue this company for millions of dollars, so I figured I would just pace myself.
- Desk Manager: Mr. Washington, everything you do... irritates me.
- Joey: I'm gonna go soak my wrists.
- Desk Manager: Can I help you sir?
- Haru: Yes, I am looking for a Sally Jones.
- Desk Manager: I'm sorry, I don't see anyone by that name in my computer, now if you will excuse me.
- Haru: I would like to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great?
- Desk Manager: Compared to what? A hut and a rice patty? Sir, we are a five star hotel, with 800 rooms, booked six months in advance.
- Haru: I have money.
- Desk Manager: I'm sure you do. Unfortunately, we don't take Wampum.
- Haru: Do you perhaps take gold?
- [pours out about 15 pieces of gold]
- Desk Manager: Front! Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room?
- Haru: I prefer to be alone tonight. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.
- Desk Manager: [to Joey] 1A.
- Joey: 1A. Ooww, my wrists. What have you got in here man, car radios?
- Allison: Our car broke down, could we use the phone?
- Chet Walters: Oh, car trouble? Don't get me started. I got a 1975 Fairmont that's as hard to turn over as me on Laguna Beach.
- Sensei: Twenty five years ago, an ancient legend of this sacred art came alive. It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us and become a Ninja master unlike any other. How he arrived on our shores will forever remain a mystery. We Ninjas thought that this child would be the great white Ninja of the legend. We were wrong. We were very wrong.
- Joey: Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?
- Haru: No, what?
- Joey: I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.
- Haru: Oh I see you got the R2347ST Printing press. This thing came out the same time I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whales Foundation.
- Martin Tanley: You mean Save the Whales.
- Haru: Oh is that what you did with them, maybe it was starve the whales, starve the whales.
- Allison: [walks in and stands in the Dojo doorway] Hello?
- [jumps and the Bo staff in Harus hands flies across the room]
- Allison: Is this the Takagura Dojo?
- Haru: UUHH? Yyaa... I uummm...
- Allison: Maybe I should come back later.
- Haru: No wait, don't go, I mean... Yes this is the Takagura Dojo. Please come in and have a seat. I am Haru. Wait!
- [stops her from sitting on a pair of throwing stars, throws them behind him and hits a target with perfect aim]
- Allison: That's impressive. I am in need of a ninja, but you seem to be white.
- Haru: Aaahhh. You are observant, as well as beautiful. Have you not heard about the legend about the foreign child who will grow up to be the great white ninja?
- Allison: why no, is that you?
- Haru: Some... say it is so. You see it is written in the holy writ, see it says here, a century shall pass, and then OOHHH! this is the wrong writ, this is the one about the Sensei and two 12 year old twin Geishias, also a good legend, but not the one we are looking for...
- [scrolls further down]
- Haru: aahhh, here is my legend, it says here, that a forgein child will come to our village and learn the ways of the ninja.
- Allison: It's burning.
- Haru: Yes, the words have been seared into my heart as well.
- Allison: No, it's really burning!
- Haru: Yes I can tell,
- [looks over at the rest of the parchment and sees it burning]
- Haru: Oh my God!
- [puts out the fire]
- Haru: They may have a second copy. Let me show you a ample of my skills.
- [pulls on the sword rack and all the weapons fall down]
- Haru: That rack, was not build by ninjas. These however were.
- [starts swinging a 3 section staff around and nearly hits the shelves holding ashes of fallen ninjas]
- Allison: [gasps]
- Haru: Wow! Luck is with me today, for this shrine holds the ashes of our fallen warriors
- [the shelves colapse]
- Haru: Oh! Sensei is going to kill me.
- [picking up pictures and identifying them]
- Haru: Takguri. Master Goe
- [picks up ashes]
- Haru: Sempo? Kai?
- [combines the ashes]
- Haru: At least they all worked as a team.
- Allison: This is excellent, because the job I ask requires great stealth.
- Haru: Aahh, my highest score where in stealth, let me give you an example, turn around, close your eyes and count to 9, when you open them I will be gone.
- Allison: Ok. 1. 2. 3.
- [Haru runs around and hides behind a support beam]
- Allison: 4. 5. 6.
- [runs over to a lamp and tries to hide under the shade]
- Allison: 7. 8. 9.
- [when Allison reaches 9 Haru has jumped through a rice paper door and outside]
- Allison: Haru? Haru?
- Haru: Here I am, Sally Jones, I will accept your dangerous mission.
- Chet Walters: Yup, the AAA. You know, I knew a guy that started off in AAA, then ended up in AA. He got busted for DUI.
- [Chet laughs]
- [Haru attempts to choke Chet, but fails]
- Chet Walters: Hey, buddy, what are you doing?
- Haru: Are you not familiar with the art of Shiatsu massage?
- Chet Walters: Shiatsu? Watch your language! There's a lady present.