- Dharma: [answering Greg's cell phone, after having slept with Greg] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now.
- Dharma: Welcome to the Pompous Room. May I check Madame's pole, or will she be keeping it up her butt?
- Greg: Justice Department
- Treasury Officer: Treasury Department
- Dharma: San Francisco Library
- Jane Deaux: Organ Donor
- Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.
- Dharma: [about running opponent Karen Love] It's her name. I mean, how can you *not* vote for "care and love"? Guess I might as well change my name to "lower taxes and free balloons for all the kids."
- Edward Montgomery: [drinking Martinis naked] Ball and chain has gone away, doo-dah, doo-dah. Drink Martinis Naked day. Dah-di-doo-dah-day!
- Dharma: [standing on the roof with a news helicopter overhead] I celebrate nature's awakening from her winter slumber! This is my dance to the spring!
- [takes her robe off]
- Greg: [watching the news downstairs]
- [yells]
- Greg: Dharmaaaaaaaa!
- [runs out]
- TV News Reporter: [from the TV] My God, I *love* this job!
- Greg: [while Abby is dealing tarot cards] Can we just get this over with? Hit me.
- Dharma: [looks at the card] *Death*!
- Greg: Hit me again.
- Abigail Kathleen 'Abby' O'Neil: Now, Dharma, "death" doesn't always mean death. Sometimes it just means a change is coming.
- Greg: Yeah! Like a haircut.
- Dharma: [yells] I didn't dream you died in a fiery haircut!
- Dharma: One time when I was babysitting your monkey, I took him to a fancy party without telling you.
- Jane Deaux: Is that where he started smoking again?
- Dharma: MmmHmm...
- Jane Deaux: Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?
- Jane Deaux: What's that? It smells like you're frying vomit!
- Dharma: Close. I'm making a great big pot of Haggis
- Jane Deaux: What have you been drinking?
- Dharma: Scotch! Which was invented by the great Scotsman, Angus McBarf when his wife told him what was for dinner.
- Kitty: You want to save the duck, you need to save the lake. You want to save the lake, you need to raise money. You want to raise money, you need to find some ninny to be man of the year.
- Doctor: She had a tatoo of Lindy landing in Paris on her back. If she moved certain muscles just right, she could get the wheels off the ground.
- Kitty: Come Edward, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
- Edward Montgomery: I hope his name is Johnny Walker.
- Kitty: It's the archbishop.
- Edward Montgomery: I hope it's Archbishop Johnny Walker.
- Greg: [looking at the horrible Thanksgiving meal that Kitty prepared] My mother cooked. In what *universe* does my mother cook?
- Kitty: Gregory. the day that I celebrate this misbegotten marriage is the day I ride a goat to Kmart.
- Greg: Oh, my parents aren't exactly the best hosts. They're difficult to warm up to. I know I never have.