- Stella Winston: You're a spoiled, silly, boring, insignificant little twit.
- Jessie Montgomery: Hey! Who are you calling boring?
- Jessie Montgomery: [after being arrested for driving under the influence AND carrying drugs, AND trying to bribe the cops who took her in, Jessie is sharing a cell with a hooker who's loudly filing her nails] ... Would you mind not doing that? I'm kinda bummed and I have a headache.
- Hooker in Jail: And what are you in for?
- Jessie Montgomery: I don't remember.
- Hooker in Jail: Figures.
- Jessie Montgomery: God, when this hits the papers... my poor father... He's a philanthropist.
- Hooker in Jail: Is he serving time too?
- Jessie Montgomery: No a philanthropist is... Never mind. So what are YOU in for?
- Hooker in Jail: [sarcastic] ... Jaywalking.
- Jessie Montgomery: You're a witch!
- Stella Winston: I'm perfectly harmless!
- Jessie Montgomery: That's what they said about asbestos!
- Jessie Montgomery: But, Dad, please! I'm zeroed out.
- Charles Montgomery: I gave you $200.00.
- Jessie Montgomery: Well, it's ancient history!
- Charles Montgomery: I believe it was lunch time.
- Jessie Montgomery: Some fairy godmother you are! I thought you guys were supposed to turn maids into princesses, and shit like that.
- Stella Winston: Some maids deserve to be princesses. Some princesses deserve to be maids.
- Charles Montgomery: [after discovering her receipt] ... $908 for a one-night bar tab?
- Jessie Montgomery: I can explain.
- Charles Montgomery: ...All right, go ahead.
- Jessie Montgomery: Daddy, there were these homeless people - a dozen of them - I took them dancing, and...
- Charles Montgomery: [shakes his head, clearly not believing a word] Why me...? I thought, if I gave you everything you wanted, it might make up for your mother's death... I succeeded only in spoiling you, like a month-old yeast.
- Jessie Montgomery: Daddy - Is it true Aunt Mildred's a lesbian?
- Charles Montgomery: [lets out a deep breath] You are *completely* lacking in character.
- Jessie Montgomery: I know it. I'm sorry.
- Charles Montgomery: No, you're not.
- Jessie Montgomery: No, seriously, I am... Come on, Daddy-waddy-kins... let's kiss and make up, like we used to...
- Charles Montgomery: That isn't going to do you any good, Jess. You've got to make something of yourself; you're not a kid anymore... I'm very disappointed in you.
- Jessie Montgomery: Join the club, Pops.
- Jessie Montgomery: Please let me take it in Maria. Please!
- Maria: She told me to take it in.
- Jessie Montgomery: Well what difference does it make?
- Maria: The difference is if you screw up, then my ass is grass and she's the lawnmower!
- [Jessie brings Stan his laundry]
- Stan Starkey: What the... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WRINKLED SUIT?
- Jessie Montgomery: I pressed it.
- Stan Starkey: I know, but you're not supposed to press it! It's a wrinkled suit! I *bought* it wrinkled! It's a Georgio Armani WRINKLE! Wrinkles are IN! It's the 80's, kiddo; wake up! I can't believe this! My Georgio Armani, PRESSED!
- Charles Montgomery: I never thought I'd hear myself say something like this, Woodrow.
- [looks up at the stars]
- Charles Montgomery: I wish I'd never had a daughter.
- Stella Winston: [at the door of Jessie's jail cell] Rise and shine, doll.
- Jessie Montgomery: Who are you?
- Stella Winston: I'm your fairy godmother.
- Jessie Montgomery: The nightmare continues...!
- Jessie Montgomery: Please wait! Help me! I... I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be boring. I don't want to be alone. Help me, fairy godmother, please!
- Georgette Starkey: [Early morning; Jessie is preparing to mop the Starkeys' floor] Jessie...! I like to get this floor *really* shiny. So, in order to get it *completely* clean, it becomes necessary to get down on your hands and knees - and to scrub every little square inch by hand. No mop... Questions?
- Jessie Montgomery: Yeah. When's lunch?
- Georgette Starkey: For the help? There *is* no lunch, until and unless the work is done.
- Jessie Montgomery: [DELETED LINE - hours later, almost noon. Jessie is nearly finished scrubbing the floor by hand; it looks terrific] ... Okay, last leg. Thank God she didn't ask me to use a toothbrush.
- Georgette Starkey: [DELETED LINE... she charges in, carrying - what else? - a toothbrush] *Jessie!* I *apologize;* I forgot to tell you to use... Oh, are you finished already?
- Jessie Montgomery: [DELETED LINE - scrubbing the last square foot] Just.
- Georgette Starkey: [DELETED LINE - handing her the toothbrush] Well, that's okay; just start all over again. Bye now, I'm off...!
- [Jessie glares incredulously at the toothbrush. Then she kicks over the bucket of soapy water she's been using and, flustered, proceeds to toothbrush the entire floor]