ALF (1986–1990)
Paul Fusco: ALF, ALF aka Wayne Schlegel, Crime Stoppers Host, Rick Fusterman
Photos
Quotes
-
ALF : I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie : Hence the term "musical."
ALF : Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie : It's getting on my nerves.
ALF : So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie : "Cats."
ALF : Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
-
[catch phrase]
ALF : Haaa! I kill me.
-
Willie : You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF : I'll apply for a green card.
Willie : That's only if you want a job.
ALF : Pass.
[pause]
ALF : I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie : ALF...
ALF : Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
Willie : ALF.
ALF : You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie : Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF : Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
Willie : How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF : Forty. Why?
-
[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF : To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn : I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF : The day they met me?
Lynn : Think again.
ALF : The day after they met me.
Lynn : Keep thinking.
ALF : I can't. My brain hurts.
-
ALF : [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
-
ALF : Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
-
Willie : Go back to the tent.
ALF : It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie : There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF : I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
[spitting water sound]
ALF : .
Willie : That was my new garden hose.
ALF : Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
-
[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
ALF : [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF : Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar : [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF : Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
-
ALF : I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
-
ALF : I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
ALF : "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Willie : You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
ALF : No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
-
ALF : [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
[opens fridge]
ALF : Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?
[picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF : "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?
[throws away the note]
ALF : Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
[as he does this an earthquake starts]
ALF : Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.
-
[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie : I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF : Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
-
ALF : [ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.
-
[on a camping trip]
Willie : One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF : Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie : I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
[pause]
Willie : How would you like your hamburger?
ALF : Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie : How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF : You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie : I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF : How, by drowning us?
Willie : By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate : [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF : Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie : We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF : I vote we go home.
Willie : You're not voting in this.
ALF : Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
-
ALF : If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
-
ALF : All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn : No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF : Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian : No, those are ducks.
ALF : Then how do they pull the sleigh?
-
Jake Ochmonek : What are you, anyway?
ALF : I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
Jake Ochmonek : Like what?
ALF : Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
-
[Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl]
Kate : If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek : It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate : [coldly] I see.
[she leaves]
ALF : [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
-
Jake Ochmonek : Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF : Danger, Will Robinson.
-
[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
ALF : I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie : I'm not convinced.
ALF : OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie : ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF : [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.
-
ALF : Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.
-
ALF : Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
-
ALF : Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
-
ALF : Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."
-
ALF : Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior.
-
ALF : Hey, what's going on in here?
Willie : We're having a family meeting.
ALF : Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate : Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.
ALF : I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian : Curly was a senator once.
ALF : True, and Moe was Speaker of the House.
Willie : Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?
ALF : Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
-
Aaron King : What the heck are you?
ALF : I ain't nothing but a hound dog!
Aaron King : Hound dogs don't talk
ALF : Neither do dead singers
-
ALF : I know my rights, I watch People's Court.
-
ALF : On Melmac, we have 1st class, 2nd class and ham.
-
ALF : Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
-
Jake Ochmonek : Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway?
ALF : 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.
-
ALF : How can I read with all this quiet?
-
ALF : Opens curtains "I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza, big mistake" Window falls on his head, then his fingers, then ALF falls out the window.
-
Lynn : [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.
ALF : Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.
Kate : I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.
ALF : You think I wake up looking this good?
Kate : [doorbell rings] Doorbell.
ALF : Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it.
Lynn : Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up.
ALF : Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.
Lynn : Welcher!
-
Aaron King : ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you!
[Aaron pulls out his guitar and starts performing "Heartbreak Hotel" for ALF]
ALF : WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!, no wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that!. Stinkaroni.
Aaron King : Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?
ALF : You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.
Aaron King : Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.
ALF : But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis.
-
ALF : A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
-
ALF : I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.
-
ALF : How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.
-
[ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie]
ALF : Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate : What's wrong with Brian?
ALF : He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate : [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it.
Willie : Calm down.
ALF : Stop ventilating.
Kate : I am not ventilating. I am talking.
[to Willie]
Kate : And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF : You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.
Willie : And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.
ALF : Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.
Willie : This must stop.
ALF : That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.
Willie : You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF : Why do you hate your mother?
-
ALF : Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.
-
ALF : I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.
-
ALF : Hey, you. Get offa my cloud.
-
ALF : Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie.
-
ALF : A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."
-
ALF : Carl Jung was a big weenyhead.
-
ALF : Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha!
-
ALF : Uh, can I make a suggestion? Hello, read my lips.
-
ALF : Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate : Why?
ALF : The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate : Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
ALF : Rules rules rules.
ALF : Grease fire grease fire.
ALF : Never mind the curtains put me out.
-
ALF : That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
Willie : But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
ALF : Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Willie : Don't you see the connection?
ALF : [pause] What connection?
Willie : I give up.
ALF : Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.
-
Kate : What are you doing?
ALF : [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate : Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.
ALF : [Kate touches him] Aaah!
Kate : Sorry.
ALF : Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate : Well, would you like some cold cream?
ALF : Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
Kate : It's for your nose.
ALF : That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate : ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
ALF : You're talking like they're two different things.
Kate : They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF : What is this, healing through hollering?
-
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF : I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
-
[at the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF : Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
-
ALF : The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.