Murder by Death (1976)
James Coco: Milo Perrier
Photos
Quotes
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Milo Perrier : He's gone!
Jessica Marbles : Who's gone?
Milo Perrier : The butler. Here's the key.
Sidney Wang : If butler gone, where you find key?
Milo Perrier : In his pocket.
Jessica Marbles : What pocket?
Milo Perrier : The butler's pocket.
Sidney Wang : Butler gone but pocket still there?
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Marcel : Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns.
Inspector Milo Perrier : Your what?
Marcel : My buns.
Inspector Milo Perrier : Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?
Marcel : Oh! No, monsieur. The BONES in my body.
Inspector Milo Perrier : You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry.
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything!
Jessica Marbles : You mean...
Inspector Milo Perrier : Yes. This entire murder has been... catered.
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Sam Diamond : You say you know who's going to get it?
Lionel Twain : Intimately.
Inspector Milo Perrier : And you know how the crime is to be committed?
Lionel Twain : Definitely.
Sidney Wang : And exactly what time murder to take place?
Lionel Twain : *The* murder. Precisely.
Dora Charleston : Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est-ce pas?
Jamesir Bensonmum : I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's.
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Marcel : I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee.
Inspector Milo Perrier : They already know!
Marcel : Then why do you wear it?
Inspector Milo Perrier : I didn't know that you knew.
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Milo Perrier : No, no, it's all right. My wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year.
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Milo Perrier : I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!
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Willie Wang : [DELETED SCENE, RESTORED FOR TELEVISION - Willie rejoins the others after covering up Twain's body] ... I can't believe you missed it, Pop. The world's five greatest living detectives, and not one of you noticed that *Twain was clutching a note in his hand!*
Sidney Wang : Give it to me.
Willie Wang : Oh, no; it's mine.
Milo Perrier : Oh, give it to your father, you idiot!
Willie Wang : [gloating] "Idiot?" We'll see who's the idiot, Mr. Perrier! The $1 million goes to whoever solves the crime, and that could be me just as easily as you! I've got more brains than my father gives me credit for! "#3 Adopted Son?" I'm sick and tired of being just your #3 Adopted Son. I'm *Willie Wang, Young Detective!* This clue belongs to me, and nobody's getting it from me, you understand? Nobody...!
Sam Diamond : [with his gun leveled at Willie's head] Better stand back, Tess. I don't want you to get hurt when the bullet comes out his other ear.
[takes the note and reads]
Sam Diamond : "Please call dairy and cancel future deliveries of milk; Lionel Twain deceased."
[hands back the note]
Sam Diamond : So much for your clue, kid.
Willie Wang : [very sheepish] Uhm... Sorry about that, Dad.
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Milo Perrier : [after the lights have gone out in Twain's dining room] Be quiet everyone! I smell something! It's - Good God! - FRANKS AND BEANS!
Jamesir Bensonmum : I'm afraid that's all we have, sir.
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Sidney Wang : Calm yourself. Man who argue with cow on wall is like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere.
Milo Perrier : Oh be quiet! I'm sick of your fortune cookies!
Sidney Wang : Oh, man who is sick of fortune cookies...
[argument ensues]
Sidney Wang : Shhh, shhh... cow talk again!
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Inspector Milo Perrier : I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.
Sidney Wang : I like it, but do not understand it.
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Touch nothing!
Jessica Marbles : Will you stop saying "touch nothing?" We're all experienced criminologists. I find it insulting, debasing, and redundant to keep telling us to "touch nothing!"
Inspector Milo Perrier : Oh, be quiet, woman!
Jessica Marbles : Up yours, fella!
Sidney Wang : Most amusing. Bickering detectives like making lamb stew: everything goes to pot!
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Dora Charleston : [after Wang demonstrates his wine was poisoned] Great Scott Mr. Wang, you've saved our lives.
Milo Perrier : Not quite, Mrs. Charleston. Bon Apetit
[drinks wine - company gasps and exclaims]
Milo Perrier : . Since Monsieur Wang was the only one who could detect such a poison, he was the only one who was tested. Point 5: Mr. Twain is both beguiling and fiendish.
[crys out]
Milo Perrier : Mon Amis!
Dora Charleston : Oh get a doctor quick!
Milo Perrier : No, no, it's alright, my wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year.
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Milo Perrier : What do you make of all of this, Wang?
Sidney Wang : Is confusing.
Lionel Twain : [from moose head] IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!
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Lionel Twain : Aha, stumped already. Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?
Inspector Milo Perrier : Clues? I need no clues from you! I find my own clues, you demented lollipop!
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide.
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Milo Perrier : One moment, where is the soup?
Jamesir Bensonmum : In your dish, sir!
Milo Perrier : There is nothing in my dish but my dish.
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Dick Charleston : [introducing them] My wife Dora. Inspector Perrier.
Milo Perrier : Très charmant.
[kisses her hand, then coughs]
Dora Charleston : I'm sorry. Our room is so dusty.
Milo Perrier : My fault. I should have blown first.
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Milo Perrier : What is it? What's happened?
Sidney Wang : Something wrong in kitchen.
Milo Perrier : With our dinner!
Sidney Wang : No, patience, patience.
Sam Diamond : Is someone in there?
[pointing to kitchen]
Dick Charleston : Someone in the kitchen with dinna?
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Sidney Wang : Quickly. Go back in kitchen, get dining room key from pocket of dead butler.
Milo Perrier : You don't have to say "dead butler." It's bad enough I have to put my hand in his pocket.
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Milo Perrier : He was a most cruel man. Monsieur Twain would come to France every summer to hunt poodles.
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Inspector Milo Perrier : A mannequin.
Sam Diamond : No, a dummy.
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Doors and windows will automatically open at dawn, and one of us here will be one million dollars richer, and one of us will be going to the gas chamber to be hung.
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Milo Perrier : Open my door.
Marcel : You have chocolate on your face.
Milo Perrier : What?
Marcel : Ze candy bar. It is all over your face.
Milo Perrier : Imbecile! That's my moustache!
Marcel : Lick it and see.
Milo Perrier : [licks his lips] Wipe it off. My hands are sticky.
Marcel : [licks handkerchief and begins wiping Perrier's face] Hold still please... Sloppy!
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Dick Charleston : You know Wang.
Milo Perrier : Ah, yes. I had the pleasure of dining in Shanghai many years ago with Inspector Wang. Ah: Hong Ching Chu Kow Dung Woo Fong.
Sidney Wang : Oh, you remember. Yes. You had "Hong Ching Chu" and I had "Kow Dung Woo Fong."
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Inspector Milo Perrier : You were born with brains, talent, money, everything but that which you most desired: beauty. It is a statement of fact, Miss Twain, that as a man, you are barely passable; but, as a woman, you are a dog.
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Milo Perrier : Never under-estimate a Frenchman's nostrils, Miss Twain.
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Inspector Milo Perrier : Where are they? What have you done with the others, you short madman?
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Jessica Marbles : I was not jilted! I walked out on him. He wanted to fool around before the wedding.
Inspector Milo Perrier : And being the lady you are, you refused.
Jessica Marbles : No. Not completely. But, it got out of hand.