- Duke d'Escargot: What brings you to Paris?
- Claude: Oh, you might say a little business...
- Charles: ...and a little pleasure.
- Duke d'Escargot: Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure?
- Charles: Well that depends on what you regard as business.
- Claude: And, what you may regard as pleasure!
- Duke d'Escargot: In Paris we say, business is pleasure.
- Charles: And to us, pleasure is our business.
- Duke d'Escargot: Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business.
- Claude: Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure.
- Duke d'Escargot: In that case sir I will show you my business.
- Claude: My pleasure.
- Helene de Sisis: I'm sorry Philippe, I try my best to please you.
- Philippe de Sisis: How? You can't hunt, you can't ride, you can't shoot, you can't fence! What kind of a marriage is this?
- Duke d'Escargot: I warn you gentlemen, I am not to be trifled with. To pull the tail of a lion is to open the mouth of trouble and reveal the teeth of vengeance biting the tongue of deceit.
- Duke de Sisis: Do you know who I am?
- Andre Coupe: Oh yes. The Duke de Sisis, the scrounge of Corsica.
- Duke De Sisis: The scourge of Corsica, you ignorant peasant!
- King Louis: [King Louis and Marie Antoinette appear at a ball, where everyone is dressed in gowns and suits. The king is dressed in a chicken suit] I thought it was a costume ball!
- The Narrator: Paris, France, 1789. Thirty years later, under the reign of Louis XVI, longstanding grievances between aristocrat and peasant were about to boil over. The pot in which these troubles boiled was kindled with the firewood of oppression and injustice and heated by the flames that sucked the air from gasping peasants. Would the pot cool off, would it merely simmer, or would it boil over in the kitchen of France - to stain the floor of history forever?
- The Narrator: The Summer Palace, 1789: King Louis, whose tinkering with time pieces did not tell him that his own time was running out; Queen Marie, who tinkered with everything but time pieces - she didn't care what time it was; but the Duke d'Escargot knew what time it was - his tinkering was well-timed. For the time was 1789!
- Duke d'Escargot: The brains of a chicken coupled with the claws of two eagles may well hatch the eggs of our destruction.
- Duke d'Escargot: Since destiny rides in our scabbard, it appears that our pregnant blades must be aborted.
- Helene de Sisis: [seeing Claude, whom she thinks is Philippe, dressed as a monk] What are you doing in a monk's habit? I didn't know about 'the monk and the choirboy!' I thought you wanted to do 'the wood chopper and the shepherd!' *How many costumes do you think I can pack*?
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [Claude Coupe, mistaken for Phillipe de Sisi, has just entered the room of the Man in the Iron Mask, he is scared out of his shorts] Has the king forgiven me?
- Claude: [screams with hands over his mouth]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?
- [desperate]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?
- Claude: [calmly] Who are you?
- The Man in the Iron Mask: I'm the Man in the Iron Mask.
- Claude: Oh, ho-ho! How do you do?
- The Man in the Iron Mask: What is it?
- [he begins walking toward Claude]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Do I look so horrible? Do I frighten you?
- Claude: No, no. It's just that you reminded me of somebody else.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [hugs Claude] I'm so glad you came!
- Claude: Ho-ho, so am I! So am I!
- The Man in the Iron Mask: How can I ever thank you?
- Claude: Oh, it's nothing! Nothing. You have a nice place here.
- [the man in the iron mask is now shaking Claude's monk costume]
- Claude: Oh! Watch the mask. Watch the mask.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Take me with you.
- Claude: [grabs the man's helmet] Take me with you! Yes.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Don't leave me alone. Take me.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Look, I'll go outside, then I'll come back and we'll have a last walk.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [speaking over Claude] Please don't leave me here! Please! Please!
- [he is obviously desperate]
- Claude: [speaking over the Man in the Iron Mask] Look, look, I wouldn't leave you here, you're my friend. But take you with me; I don't even know who you are.
- Claude: Yaaaghh!
- [he tosses the man off him onto the floor and closes the door, leaving]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: I thought the king forgave me.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [he climbs out of a tunnel and is hit on the head by Pierre de Sisi, who has been mistaken for Charles Coupe] I thought I was free.
- The Narrator: In Paris, outraged rebels aroused themselves to attack the King's convoys. Most of these aroused rebels were brave, courageous, freedom-loving citizens. Others were more - realistic.
- The Narrator: Did you know that the entire French Revolution could have been avoided? It's true. No one knows what took place there. Its an event of such importance that men of integrity, and I must say of considerable resources, made a film on the subject. Its a color film - which I am not in.
- Philippe: I like this plan. Half of France will soon be ours.
- Pierre: Why settle for half? When all of France could be ours.
- Philippe: All of France? Yes. We don't need d'Escargot
- Pierre: Exactly.
- Philippe: Exactly. All the castles.
- Pierre: All the chapels.
- Philippe: All the windows.
- Pierre: The drapes.
- Philippe: All the leather.
- Pierre: The lace.
- Philippe: All the forest!
- Pierre: All the flowers.
- Philippe: All the land!
- Pierre: All the grass.
- Philippe: The rocks!
- Pierre: The stones.
- Philippe: The pebbles!
- Pierre: The dirt.
- Philippe: The mud!
- Pierre: The muck.
- Philippe: I have a new destiny! One day I shall be King!
- Pierre: And I shall be Queen!
- Philippe: Wait till I get her back in that chapel. I'll bring out the *peacock* feathers. That'll tickle her fancy.
- Duke d'Escargot: I shall deliver this note to the de Sisis myself and in turn deliver the de Sisis to us.
- Queen Marie: Excellent. Make haste, d'Escargot.
- Duke d'Escargot: I go with God.
- Queen Marie: Go with whomever you please, just take your horse.
- Duke d'Escargot: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I must complement you on your appearance. So charmingly obscene. So vile. So filthy. So disgusting.
- Philippe: Thank you.
- Duke d'Escargot: You've achieved a rare vulgarity in peasantry.
- Queen Marie: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I must see you later.
- Claude: Me?
- Queen Marie: In my chambers.
- Claude: Why do you want to see me?
- Queen Marie: You'll soon find out.
- Claude: [at the ball] Why didn't you expose me?
- Helene de Sisis: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I know your taste Philippe; but, this is hardly the place for that.
- Mimi: I will go quietly. I will go quietly because it's best for everyone. For the people. For France. As Christians, we should treat each other with human kindness! With love! I will go quietly. Not for myself, for my personal safety; but, for the good mankind, the good of my countrymen, the good of my village, my family, for France! For France!
- Army Officer: You said you'd go quietly. Burn down the farm.
- Duke d'Escargot: I'm delighted to see you all stuffing yourselves while France has cramps from the tyranny of its own indigestion.
- Duke d'Escargot: The peasants are preparing an open revolt.
- King Louis: Oh! Oh, oh, get my army, please. Sound my soldiers! Get my army!
- Duke d'Escargot: Louis, how many times do I have to tell you, your army is in the field pillaging the rest of Europe.
- Philippe: In Corsica, they say there are sixty-eight ways to kill a man. You shall be the sixty-ninth!
- Dr. Boileau: Now, young man. What is your name?
- Philippe: My name? You want to know my name?
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: That's what you're asking me, what is my name?
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: I'll tell you my name, if you want to know what my name is.
- Dr. Boileau: I do.
- Philippe: Do you know *why* I'm going to tell you my name?
- Dr. Boileau: No.
- Philippe: Do you *want* to know *why* I'm going to *tell* you my *name*...
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: ...you *blithering fat headed addle brained idiot?
- [Philippe grabs Boileau]
- Dr. Boileau: Ohh!
- Philippe: *Aagh!* Because you *asked* me my name, that's *why* I'm going to *tell* you my *name!* *Because you*...
- [Jacques buffets Philippe]
- Jacques: See, I told you so, they're crazy.
- Dr. Boileau: I know.
- Dr. Boileau: [to Pierre] Now young man. Do you know who *you* are?
- Pierre: Of *course* I know who *we* are.
- Dr. Boileau: Who?
- Pierre: ...The Corsican Brothers.
- [there is raucous laughter]
- Dr. Boileau: [incredulously] The *Corsican Brothers?* Oh, I'm so sorry... Oh do forgive me. I'm so sorry, the Corsican Brothers!
- Dr. Boileau: [to Jacques] You're right, they're crazy!
- [Dr. Boileau pulls the lever with Philippe and Pierre subsequently falling through a trapdoor]
- [first lines]
- The Narrator: [to the camera] Hello, I'm Orson Welles.
- The Narrator: [pointing to the palace behind him] Lovely, isn't it? The summer palace of Louis the Sixteenth. You know, historians who've recently discovered a previously unknown fact concerning this palace, an event which almost changed the entire history of Western Europe. Did you know that the entire French Revolution could have been avoided? It's true. No one knows what took place there. It's an event of such importance that men of integrity and may I say considerable resources made a film on the subject. It's a color film, which I am not in.
- [the scene switches to the opening title and credits which are presented in black-and-white Sepiatone]
- [last lines]
- [it's present day in front of King Louis XVI's Summer Palace]
- The Narrator: [reading out of the discovered book] Listen to this. "This incredible meeting was to write a glittering new page in history. For you see..."
- [the Narrator is shot dead by a Descendant of Pierre]
- Descendant of Pierre: [to a Descendant of Charles after they both appear in the distance] Now no one will know the secret.
- [as the Descendant of Charles grabs the book dropped to the ground by the Narrator, he is shot dead by a Descendant of Philippe, who subsequently shoots dead the Descendant of Pierre]
- Descendant of Claude: [to the Descendant of Philippe as they both appear from behind the bushes] Did you have to shoot them? I didn't know you were going to shoot them.
- Descendant of Philippe: Bring me that book.
- [the Descendant of Claude picks up the book and hands it to the Descendant of Philippe, who opens it in preparing to read it]
- Descendant of Claude: You didn't have to shoot them. We've could have talked things over.
- Descendant of Philippe: Talk? Is that what you want: talk?
- Descendant of Claude: [as he nods positively] Well, you didn't have to...
- [the Descendant of Philippe shoots the Descendant of Claude]
- Descendant of Claude: [just before he falls to the ground dead] ... shoot them.
- Descendant of Claude: [to the camera as he opens the book and starts to read aloud] "This incredible meeting was to write a glittering new page in history. For you see..."
- [a Descendant of the Man in the Iron Mask shoots the Descendant of Philippe dead]
- Descendant of the Man in the Iron Mask: [yelling as he starts to run away] Free! Free!