- [after entering his house in Paradise]
- Adam J. Niles: Oh, it's very charming. What do you call this style... early Disneyland?
- [fire department arrives when Niles' washing machine overflows]
- Fireman: There's no fire?
- Adam J. Niles: Well if I hollered "Soap!" who'd come?
- Adam J. Niles: [after they arrive at the house he's just rented in Paradise] It would be pink.
- Rosemary Howard: That's not pink. That's "California coral".
- Adam J. Niles: Who thinks up all the names of colors in this country, Tennessee Williams?
- Adam J. Niles: Now, let me see. You'll be my landlady and secretary, and I'll be your tenant and your boss.
- Rosemary Howard: A very involved relationship.
- Adam J. Niles: Yeah. You raise my rent, I'll lower your salary.
- Rosemary Howard: You lower my salary and I'll raise my voice!
- Rosemary Howard: [At a Hawaiian-themed restaurant, watching while the bartender is garnishing an elaborate cocktail] Is he a bartender or a landscape architect?
- Adam J. Niles: He's an artist! Would you care for a "Scorpion's Kiss"?
- Rosemary Howard: Oh, is that what they call 'em?
- Adam J. Niles: Mm hmm... And this is a "Bikini".
- Rosemary Howard: That's an odd name for a drink: "Bikini".
- Adam J. Niles: That's because there's not much to it, but it hits the right spots.
- Rosemary Howard: [starting to giggle] Oh. Well, I've had two, and I don't feel a thing.
- Adam J. Niles: Oh, we better get you another one.
- Adam J. Niles: [Calling to the bartender] Hey, innkeeper, another brace of Bikinis, please.
- Bartender: Sorry, sir, only two to a customer.
- Rosemary Howard: Oh, come on!
- Bartender: Sorry, ma'am. That's a very powerful drink. There's an old Tahitian saying: "Okka noku pama, talla peeno pulla okka".
- Rosemary Howard: Oh... Just what does that old Tahitian mean by that?
- Bartender: Who knows? I'm from San Francisco.
- Adam J. Niles: Loopholes everywhere!
- Adam J. Niles: What do you say we break out of here tonight and let me take you to dinner?
- Rosemary Howard: Thank you, but I have a business appointment.
- Adam J. Niles: Oh... What about tomorrow night? Lonely bachelors should stick together, don't you think?
- Rosemary Howard: Oh, definitely! And if I find one that I think you'd like, I'll let you know, Mr. Adams. Good bye!
- Adam J. Niles: [Narrating the starting lines of his new book into his tape recorder] "How the Americans Live", Chapter One. The din dawns with the day. Throughout most of the civilized world, the new day is born in a silence so profound, one can imagine he hears the Morning Glory open its petals to greet the rising sun. But hour-conscious, minute-counting time-saving America is blasted from sleep by the explosive screams of the alarm clock radio, which may largely explain the frenetic pace that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day.
- Peter Pickering: Mr Adams is a bachelor?
- Adam J. Niles: Oh, don't worry. It's not catching.
- Peter Pickering: But a bachelor in Paradise... you'll be the only one.
- Adam J. Niles: It should be fun.
- Adam J. Niles: Americans are so accustomed to being told everything, that even at a ballgames, they bring their radios so the announcer can explain what their seeing
- Adam J. Niles: Right now, Herman's probably on a yacht with four beautiful gals. Livin' it up! I hope he's taking notes.
- Rosemary Howard: There are two bedrooms, but only one is furnished.
- Adam J. Niles: One is all a bachelor needs if he works it right.
- Larry Delavane: Some stranger moves in, starts filling my wife with a lot of talk about romantic places, and changing your clothes, and speaking French. I never did trust that language.
- Linda Delavane: Larry, don't be so sensitive. Are you jealous?
- Larry Delavane: Me? Jealous? But there are some jealous husbands around here, and if your Mr. Adams starts transporting their wives, there's gonna be more trouble in Paradise than Eve started with that apple!
- Dolores Jynson: A woman gets that lonely feeling. She wants somebody to admire her and tell her how pretty she looks and things like that. Why don't you come over here where we can talk?
- Dolores Jynson: I'm - a lonely woman, Jack. So very, *very* lonely.
- Adam J. Niles: Yeah, I'm beginning to see what you mean. Have you ever thought of buying a parakeet? They say tropical fish are fun.
- Adam J. Niles: Now just picture this scene for yourselves, your husband comes home, he walks in the house. He finds candles flickering and the dinner table set for two, soft, romantic music, a bottle of vintage wine chilled to exactly the right temperature, a faint, alluring scent of perfume. The setting is perfect. And then he discovers a woman he's never seen before: beautiful, seductive, exciting. What does he do?
- Camille Quinlaw: I'll kill him!
- Adam J. Niles: No, no. The woman is you!
- Camille Quinlaw: Oh!
- Adam J. Niles: I promise you it'll be an evening you'll always remember. You'll awaken passions you've never known before. I guarantee it'll work.
- Rosemary Howard: Mrs. Brown saw you and Dolores leaving together.
- Adam J. Niles: We could have used her at Pearl Harbor.
- Adam J. Niles: You don't have any of the natural female instinct to deprive a bachelor of his freedom.
- Rosemary Howard: How would you like a full-time secretary?
- Adam J. Niles: What red-blooded American boy wouldn't?
- Rosemary Howard: Aristotle said the high-minded man is more interested in the truth, than what people believe.
- Thomas W. Jynson: Aristotle doesn't live in Paradise,
- Rosemary Howard: I'm no longer an employee of Paradise Village Inc.
- Adam J. Niles: You quit!
- Rosemary Howard: I did. I won't work for any man after he fires me.
- Adam J. Niles: Well, I admire your spirit - among other things.
- Rosemary Howard: But most women in Paradise have husbands and children.
- Adam J. Niles: A lot of families get started that way.
- Austin Palfrey: [after Niles testifies in court to his love for Rosemary] You idiot - you've ruined everything. Now you're just another guy.
- Adam J. Niles: Yeah, and it's about time.
- Peter Pickering: [Along with his sister, Sissy, coming over to meet their new neighbor] Hi. Who are you?
- Adam J. Niles: I'm Mr. Adams. I'm moving in here.
- Peter Pickering: I'm Peter. I live down there.
- Adam J. Niles: Down where?
- Peter Pickering: I won't tell you. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
- Sissy 'Mrs. McIntyre' Pickering: Is he a stranger?
- Peter Pickering: [Motioning to his sister, who appears to be about 4 years old] Sure... This is my sister, Mrs. McIntyre.
- Adam J. Niles: "Mrs." McIntyre? Well, ma'am, how do you do?
- Sissy 'Mrs. McIntyre' Pickering: How do I do what?
- Adam J. Niles: [Making a face] It's just not my day for women.
- Adam J. Niles: Yea, I know that law.. It's called instant poverty. Might as well put me in jail so I can eat.
- Adam J. Niles: I'll need a secretary.
- Austin Palfrey: One ugly secretary.
- Adam J. Niles: One that can type, huh?
- Adam J. Niles: How am I going to live?
- Austin Palfrey: I'll subsidise you. Your rent, and 75 dollars a week.
- Adam J. Niles: 75 dollars? Look, don't go over budget just to save a human life.
- Austin Palfrey: 85, and not a penny more. You can eat oatmeal instead of caviar.
- Adam J. Niles: Yeah, but it tastes terrible with champagne.
- Adam J. Niles: The French women. The mature French woman has elevated the physical act of kissing to artistic level unattained by any other society.
- Austin Palfrey: One more thing, this is America. Not Europe. Our attitude towards our women is different.
- Adam J. Niles: Sex hasn't gone out, has it?
- Austin Palfrey: No, of course not.
- Adam J. Niles: I'd heard it'd been replaced by television.
- Rosemary Howard: If you're so disenchanted with the house Mr. Adams, I'll be happy to tear up the lease.
- Adam J. Niles: Oh, no. Don't do that. It's not a bad little cracker box, at all.
- Rosemary Howard: 100 Million Americans would love to live in this cracker box.
- Adam J. Niles: That would make it crowded, wouldn't?
- Adam J. Niles: During the period from sunup till sundown, the typical American community is completely matriarchal, dominated entirely by females, a no man's land, more foreboding than ancient Scythia, home of the Amazon.
- Dolores Jynson: Can I help you with something else? I mean, I love to do for a man, and Tom doesn't seem that need me that do for him this days.
- Adam J. Niles: Oh!
- Dolores Jynson: Is there something more I can do for you?
- Rosemary Howard: Don't you worry about it, Mr. Adams. Ours is purely a business arrangement. You rented my house, not me.
- Adam J. Niles: What's the matter? Don't you think I'm worth half a chicken?
- Rosemary Howard: Well, frankly, I haven't thought of you in terms of chickens. In fact, I haven't thought of you, period. Good day.
- Adam J. Niles: Come on! You don't think I'd ask a girl to come up to her own house to see her own etchings.
- Rosemary Howard: Probably, if you thought you could get away with it.
- Dolores Jynson: Tom doesn't find me attractive. He used to, but not anymore.
- Adam J. Niles: That's the trouble with those real-estate men. Once they get you through escrow, they lose interest.
- Thomas W. Jynson: There is definitely something strange going on. Just drive down Katherina street, and you'll see women, our ladies, wearing lipstick and dresses, during the day! And it's starting to spread throughout Paradise.
- Adam J. Niles: I'm kind of lonely here myself.
- Dolores Jynson: You are?
- Adam J. Niles: Aha!
- Dolores Jynson: I'm a marvelous cook! I'll make you a breakfast.
- Adam J. Niles: I had breakfast.
- Dolores Jynson: Tomorrow's?
- Adam J. Niles: It'll get cold.
- Dolores Jynson: Well, I'll come over and - heat it up.
- Larry Delavane: You don't have to think for what I've got in mind, baby! Not to think! You and your ideas, baby. You fracture me. Why don't we do this every night?
- Adam J. Niles: We're conducting a cultural exchange. Daily discussions of life, love, and the pursuit. It seems to have had a bracing effect on the community.
- Rosemary Howard: I understand there's a quite run on girdles lately.
- Adam J. Niles: Well, hello. Come on in, Miss Howard. Or, would you feel safer if I came out?
- Rosemary Howard: Your discussion group will be here soon and there's safety in numbers.
- Adam J. Niles: Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.
- Linda Delavane: Would it be alright if Camille went red, instead of black?
- Adam J. Niles: Well, why red?
- Camille Quinlaw: Well, Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward, and she's a redhead.
- Adam J. Niles: He tells you he is crazy about Susan Howard, that so you won't know how he really feels about Lollobrigida.
- Rosemary Howard: Then there's still a chance that some poor girl may marry you?
- Adam J. Niles: A rich girl will have a better chance.
- Leland Quinlaw: A.J. Niles filled my wife's head with sexy ideas. I married that woman because I liked her empty-headed.