- [joking about a series of intruders at the White House] When the President walked in and saw all those bellhops, he said, "Finally, some decent security".
- [joking about Barney Frank] We tried to get Memories Pizza to cater this event but they heard a rumor Barney Frank was going to be here. So thanks a lot, Barney. We could have had that world famous Indiana pizza.
- [joking about Hillary Clinton] Now Naomi (Campbell), you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here. Because if you threw your BlackBerry at her, she would just delete everything right off of it. Hillary Clinton said that she used her private email because she didn't want to use more than two devices. Now if that sounds familiar, it's because it's also one of the rules of the sex contract of Fifty Shades of Grey. Our relationship [with Israel] will be better in the next administration, just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation.
- [joking about Rand Paul] Well, he's just taking over the family business of not getting elected President.
- [joking about the Secret Service] Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.
- I'd like to be reincarnated as a French tart. They're so beautiful and delicate - they're like my opposite. I'm more of a comfort food: goat cheese with garlic.
- [joking about President Obama] I'd lace up a pair of Jordans, he'd slip on a pair of my mom's jeans and we would just miss three-pointers until sundown, when, of course, we'd have to stop and pray to Mecca.
- There have been some terrible winters in Chicago, where it feels like I'm literally being punched in the face, and everyone walks around looking stunned like they've just witnessed a murder.
- [joking to President Barack Obama] Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.
- [joking about C-SPAN] To some viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, 'Hello.' But to most viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, 'Meow.'
- I like Instagram - I love pictures, I just don't take them very often.
- [about SNL] If anyone is guilty of taking ISIS too lightly, it's them.
- [joking about Fox News] Fox News has been losing a lot of viewers lately, and may they rest in peace.
- There's so much more bad information than good information out there - everybody's got something to say and it's usually wrong.
- [on getting the Weekend Update anchor position on Saturday Night Live] I truly was close to tears. I was just trying to keep it together. It was overwhelming, and I was so honored! I'm a crybaby; I cry all the time for any emotion ever, so I think I was excited, scared and just trying not to sob.
- [joking about former Gov. Lincoln Chafee's potential run in the 2016 presidential election] It's like watching a dog look for its dead owner. "Aw, he doesn't know..."
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