- Coward is the most misused word in our society.
- It's our flaws who make us who we are.
- When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.
- I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.
- Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and cheering for the house.
- I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
- What you have to explain to your youth is that their outlook is bleak, regardless. It doesn't matter if you have money over here. You're in the United Kingdom. Your outlook is fucked.
- Sometimes I watch TV just to hate what I'm watching.
- If you think Death leads to eternal bliss, why are you wearing a seatbelt?
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